it's not that i haven't had anything to say, i just haven't wanted to say it.

i promised myself i wouldn't never delete something i've written, so i won't. i just ask that if you've read my last post, dismiss it. and if you haven't ignore it.
Christ has brought me out of that place of desperation, at least for now.
and He has used some amazing people to do it. to name a few, taylor, cara, xander, gage, kristen, landon. all of which have been there when i needed them. thank you doesn't cut it.
but, God is faithful. He never left me or abandoned me. He was there the whole time, and He allowed me to feel that pain for a reason. He has been either numbing or healing me lately, i don't know which.

on a different note, i made a new friend. he doesn't wear socks with his toms, and hates christmas lights just as much as i do. glorious. he's been through what seems like a lot, but is very content, and very at peace. this is something i admire. long story short, we hung out for a long time. and i had such a nice time, it was a breath of fresh air. i think God knew i needed that. i think He did that on purpose. clever guy, He is.
oh another thing: he has an amazing voice. and when i say amazing, i mean moving. his music moved me. it made me want to pursue God, and find God, and love God, and love people. it made me feel like maybe there was some good left somewhere, and i wanted to find it.
i really enjoy my new friend and his glorious voice and his lengthy legs.
i hope we stay friends.



yes, i sure do.

patheticism.

today has been especially tough. things shouldn't work this way.
I saw you, and you ignored me until I threatened to key your car. not even then would you make eye contact with me. because I am
no longer a human being to you, you no longer value me. now, I'm the devil. all I am to you is the epitamy of lies and heartache and hurt. forget all I've done right. forget the scrapbook and all the times I made you dinner, drove 45 minutes to make you pancakes and watch you work out. forget all the sweet nothings. because all that matters now is how selfish and decietful I am.
forget the fact that I sacrificed countless potential romantic relationships. forget that I sacrificed all my friendships for you. forget that I never kissed anyone else. none of that is relevant. what is relevant is almost a year ago, i had a connection with a guy. forget that I never pursued him, forget all his calls that I ignored, forget that I threw everything down the drain for you. all that matters is that I failed to mention that we occupied the same sleeping bag for ten minutes. I must deserve to go to hell for this, if I am no longer worthy of your eye contact or phone calls.
but don't worry, I understand. I understand that you never understood, never cared to listen.
you hold fast to your anger because that's the only thing you know. that's the only thing that will take you where you want to go, which is away from me. and if that's what you need to do, hate me, then sobeit. I just feel sorry for whoever the next girl you kiss. because whenever you touch her lips, you'll think of mine. and all of a sudden she won't matter anymore to you, because you know what you are trying to create will never amount to what we had.

don't believe me?
look at the scrapbook.
you believe me now.

for cara.

church tonight was interesting. i went to the austin stone. the guy talked about Christmas. not only is it the celebration of Jesus' birthday, its the day when God came to us. all other religions in the world, every last one, is based on the idea of us pursuing and chasing god. except for christianity, where He continuously and relentlessly pursues and loves us. how wonderful.
i mean honestly, what in the world would make Him want me? what would cause Him to desire and love me?
it must be because of what's inside. i must be beautiful. because i am His creation, and He makes everything glorious. if He made me, which He did, then i am beautiful.
the same is true of you. there is something deep inside of you that causes Him to so greatly desire you. He created you the way He did for a purpose, He created a yearning in each and every one of our hearts for something greater. something greater than this world, greater than ourselves. most people spend a lifetime ignoring this desire, or misinterpreting it. but the Truth is, that this is one thing that can not go on overlooked; the beauty within every one of us that causes Him, to pursue us.

my goal in taking photos is to capture what that is, to each individual, with every tree. He created everything in a beautiful way. He has infused every single one of us with beauty, and my goal is to capture it.

the way things used to be.

i miss this. the way things used to be. the fun we used to have, the things you used to say to me, the way you looked at me, those short kisses and long kisses, the little fights and the huge fights. i miss it all. i miss you.

the potthoffs.

this is my sister, ruth, and her lovely family.
she is beautiful inside and out. she has the biggest, most compassionate, heart i've ever known. she has so much love to give, which is probably the reason she makes such a good mom. she's so weird, laughs at the dumbest things.
mike, her husband, is weird too. he still makes fun of me for my 6th grade year. i used to hate him, but i like him now. he watches football alot, and has a humble heart for God.
there isn't much to say about joshua. he's little, doesn't do much besides cry, eat, poop, and sleep. i like him best when he sleeps.

the ramsdells.

i love my aunt, her daughter, and her daughter's daughter and son.
this whole family is ridiculously photogenic, and full of life.

i'm going to start blogging again.

maybe. i will try anyway.
things are so different now. i don't necessarily like it.
i didn't used to stay up late. i don't like the way things are. i'm not as in touch with who i am or what i believe. he kept me accountable to that, and now that he's gone, i'm a little bit gone too. and that makes it hard.

i'm sure you'll be hearing more from me later.