day two-part one: on the way again, (or, my soul lives in the clouds)

[on the plane on the way to san juan]
there is a mountain range of clouds in the sky. we are flying over the ocean. its really fascinating. its just like these masses in the sky, they look completely still because we are moving so fast. half the people on the plane are asleep, that blows my mind. its like we have occupied the earth so long we cant appreciate the beauty in the "little things" (ie the enormous things like clouds) ive always wondered if the angels lived in the clouds. like real, fire breathing, demon conquering angels. what if there was Holy war that took place in these heavenly bodies of mass? what if clouds in the sky were really battle grounds? also, ive always wondered if, on my way to heaven, i could take a break and spend a day in the clouds.

im begging for the day my soul breaks free from this body and finds its way homes. somewhere beyond these clouds.

regarding my new friend who is also going to haiti also:
she graduated from A&M last year, majoring in business and communication. she says evangelizing isnt her strongsuit and she emails Aaron Ivey every now and then. she talks to her mom alot, one time her moms plane got struck by lightning. she hates not being in open spaces or not being able to see outside. shes good at meeting strangers. she looks more like an amanda, which doesnt narrow anything down. she has trouble sleeping any other time than at night. i wonder what God has done/is doing/will do in her life. on that note, earlier today, she said "a plane thats actually on time, what a miracle!" amen sister, it truly is. you know what else will be a miracle? if our luggage ever finds its way to haiti.



praise You! who knows Your plans, Your mind? not us, not even the angels. You are a mystery. You will do and have done great things.

[in the San Juan airport]
something about what im about to do really bothers me. its so american. "okay, im here now! everyone can relax now!" just the whole idea is off. honestly, the state that Haiti is in will be exactly the same is it was before i came. im feeling kinda useless, kinda selfish. if you cant tell. i saw a guy with a beard in a dashiki with a huge headwrap sitting in the airport waiting to go to Haiti too. in my mind, his name was elijah. he is a missionary not affiliated with any big NGO or nonprofit. he just goes and does and follows Him, loving along the way. a really beautiful african looking woman sat down next to him. so they go together. but, what ive realized is no matter where you go, you cant fly without a boarding pass. there will always be obligations, money, schedules. you cant just be. you cant just exist. im considering spending the rest of my life finding that place. finding the place where i can live; finding my home. this is my prayer:
Lord, wherever i go, let this be said "her feet carried the gospel. they carried peace." ill always be a wanderer, a vegabond. but i will always be at home with You. Lord, open my eyes to speak, give me some nerves (balls). through these feet, bring the gospel, bring peace. only You are capable of doing this Lord. come here. guide me, use me, my words are Yours. i am Yours. i love You. You are my home.

things that made me smile today:
the search dog in the airport, elijah, the haitian woman, the lady that smiled as big as emily ward.

birds are really fish swimming in the sky.

no matter where you are, that is where you are.

day one: in transit via aeroplane (or, be careful what you pray for)

[preface: these thoughts are very obscure, irrelevant, and random. bear with me if you want to. either way, doesnt matter]

i want to see God like those two girls do. i want to love Him so evidently. i am jealous of that. is that a sin? i want to see His heart, His feet, His face. not just His works and His faithfulness. i am tired of just seeing the effects of Him and His character, i want to see HIM. its like trying to see the wind. if there wasnt anything for the wind to move, it wouldnt be visible. basically nonexistent. i want Him to be so real to me He is almost tangible. maybe Haiti will help. maybe ill meet a whole new side of Him there. [be careful what you pray for]


i decided that maybe God has someone for me and maybe i should wait it out for him. meeting that one guy at that one coffee shop has made me think there is someone compatible somewhere in the world, and he might just be worth waiting for. he will be my home. im falling in love with him in this airport in dallas. how weird.

Lord, use me. shape me. mold me. break me. shape me. change me. i am Yours. i surrender. thank You, praise You, for you are working in her. Lord, strengthen my faith, build me into who You want me to be. God, i have no earthly idea what to expect. i dont know what Youre doing or what Youll have me do. i know Youve been preparing me and i pray You continue doing that. i am clay in Your hands. my heart will be sensitive to Your touch, and it will break along with Yours. all i ask is, never leave me. be there to give me strength, words, peace. endure me. sustain me. You are all i need. i want to see a new side of You. open my eyes. i pray that Your will is done perfectly this week. hear my cries. please, let me dwell in Your house and gaze upon Your beauty all day long for the next week. God, make Yourself manifest!

being a woman of God
proverbs 31: dresses herself with strength, opens her hand to the poor, reaches out to the needy. strength and dignity are her clothing. laughs at the time to come. speaks wisdom, teaches kindness, fears the Lord.

1 peter 3: but let your adorning be the hidden person of your heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in Gods sight is very precious.

Lord, give me a strong, wise, kind, fearful, gentle, quiet spirit that You think is beautiful. prepare for me a husband thats worth submitting to.



so, the logistics of the travel situation are as follows:
we got stuck in the miami airport because our flight was delayed. i didnt get flustered because i promised Him i would trust Him. He really graced me with the knowledge that He is in control, so i was pretty good to go. except for the fact that that airport sucked so much! everything was metal and covered in sand and humid air and gross things like that. but, whatever. and i met shelby, she was cool. we talked for a while. my mom, shelby, and i all slept in a hotel in the airport until the next morning.

the weirder things in life.

growing up. its so weird.
i think id rather not.

that is all.

and you know, i'm not resentful. im really not. people do what they need to do to take care of themselves, right? right. i mean he did what i asked him to do, and so in a twisted ingenuine way im happy. but either way its irrelevant.
all i know is that He is alleviating the pain and filling the holes.
and i am not afraid, because He reminded me this morning that He is with me. (isaiah 41:10)
i also realized that i care alot about the things i care about, which tend to be far and few between. obscure things like old alchoholic homeless men and photos and my dog. i care about these things so much i forget to shower and eat. i havent decided if this is healthy or not, and i havent even decided if i care about that.

you know what i want? i want to sit down and go over everything with him. tell him everything i miss and everything i hated and everything i loved and how its so different.
you know what i need? to pee and go to sleep.

joy.

i got a nose ring and found my bible.
it tickles and bleeds sometimes.
but heres the thing, God is good.
and he takes away my desires that i dont want.
He is good because He just is. and He does good things because He is good.
i love Him, and that is all.

and i am going to haiti in t-3 weeks. im super excited, i want Him to break me and teach me to love with abandon.

things i've come to realize.

here are the do's and dont's of dating as far as i am concerned:
1. do NOT date.
2. DO not date.

im having to come to terms with the fact that maybe no one will make me as happy as he did. that my feelings werent artificial, but substantial. that the smiles were real. ive noticed something odd, that i dont even look the same anymore.
even my appearance is affected by the overwhelming heaviness, and now i dont have anyone to make it lighter and make me smile, really smile.
seeing as i havent been alone once in the past three years, i think this is something i will be struggling with for quite some time.
here's the upside: my joy comes from the Lord. i pray so fervently that this emptiness and this loneliness will leave a void only He can fill, and i pray that He gracefully and faithfully chooses to do so. that really is the only way i can make it through this time in my life. i dont want another person, i dont want someone i cant depend on for forever. i want my God to fill these holes and make me whole again. i want Him to put the smile on my face, i want Him to make me beautiful and share my burdens.

its just a matter of allowing Him to do that, right? i guess so. i sure pray so. i know He is capable, but is He willing? i believe so.

my God loves me so endlessly and ferociously. He is my lover.
this is the truth i will choose to dwell on.

the ocean.

im only writing this because cara is making me. well, shes asking me to. i dont have very much to say. actually, i have so many things to say.
starting with the series of events that occured with laura today. that sure was eventful. when i get things sorted in my head, i promise to tell you.
all i know is this: to me, God is a wave. a massive, overwhelming wave that completely engulfs and consumes me. there is nothing i can do to resist going in whichever direction He chooses to take me. well, yes there is. but i don't want to. i'm tired of resisting. i want to go with it.
yeesh, there's so much to say.

today has been different.
my mom started watching football, and thats always weird.