For the love of God.

Yesterday, I read something, somewhere that said this day and age, we are struggling with the "sin of unbelief" in God's love for us. I see that so evidently in my life and the lives of those around me. An inability to really believe in the fact that He does, in fact, love us very much. This has been devastating for me, and for others. It creates such a barrier between us. At first, I didn't like the way "sin of unbelief" struck me. How is that a sin? How is that necessarily wrong for me to doubt His love?

Then I thought of it this way: If a man loved a woman so, so much.. that He gave up not even His own life- but the life of His child, for her. And she STILL doubted Him? She STILL questioned His love and devotion to her.. how much would that hurt Him? That would be so painful, like a slap in the face. Because what more can He do, really? He's given her everything already.

And that's me- that's us- when we doubt His love. It hurts Him more than we know. But I've gotten used to living in this place of doubt.

Well, I don't want to anymore. At first, I know it'll take discipline- a sort of "whether I feel it or not" type of discipline to move into belief. In the past, I've relied a lot on emotional experiences to affirm His love and be convinced of it over and over again. But, it's time to move past that now. It's time to move into a more solid foundation of surety. So, I'm going to the things He has already told me, for sure, and the things He's already done in the lives of other people. I'm going to His Word.

And I've started keeping a small journal. I write down little verses He's spoken to me, like "Abby, I think about you all the time" (Ps 139). And little things He gives or shows to me throughout the day.

This morning, I wrote down one of my favorite passages from John 15:1-16- the one where Jesus talks about how He is the vine and we are the branches. In one part He says, "now, stay in My love by obeying all the things I've commanded you." and a few verses later He says, "this is my command: love each other". And all of the sudden, it dawned on me that this is one of the biggest ways I have experienced His love in the past and still do today- through the love that other people show me.

I feel His care through the weight of someone's arm around my shoulders. I feel His sympathy when I look into the tear-filled eyes of the person listening intently to my story. I know His joy as I see that little blonde girl sprinting towards me, grinning from ear to ear. I feel His support through the room full of people who are willing to listen to what I have to say, and who have stood beside me through everything I've been through.

We don't just know He loves us through what He's already said and done. We don't just know He loves us because of the small gifts or emotional experiences throughout the day. We know He loves us through the way His kids love us. And that's how others know that He loves them, too. It's a tricky thing He did there, knowing that we'd all have to die to our own needs and live for others and love each other completely. But that's how He set it up, that's how it works.

I'm challenged and comforted.

For  the sake of everyone, for the love of God- love each other. 

On Rebellion and the Goodness of God

Yesterday, I took a lot of time to write about my struggles. Today, it seems like God has taken the time to write His response. Here's a little bit of what I said yesterday:

"I've found it hard to trust lately. I've found that in a lot of ways, I want to keep Him at arm's length. I've discovered a new fear in me; a fear of Him. I'm afraid that everything that I want, everything relatively satisfying, He is waiting to take away simply because I like said thing. This is because He has always "taken" (or asked me to walk away from) relationships that I wanted to hold onto. This makes me question the goodness of His heart. Not necessarily the goodness, but it makes me question whether He really wants me to enjoy things and life and people. That's just one part of me, though. The other part of me sees the logic behind His ways. The common factor in these relationships has been me. And my tendency to idolize and depend on people. And my inability to be surrendered and balanced and have normal attachments. So, I see that what I perceive to be "good" or "satisfying" isn't really those things at all. If anything, it's destructive in the long run. I know that to be true. So, I know it's not because He doesn't love me. It's because He does love me that He takes these things that I want to hold onto. He is still good. Tell that to my heart, though."

And He did. Today I read from Psalm 107:10-22. His kids rebelled against Him, and as a result, got themselves imprisoned and made their own lives miserable. He allowed this because He wanted them to come to a place where they were desperate enough to cry out to them. And the moment they did, He responded, without missing a beat. His motivation the whole time was His "unfailing Love" and His desire to set them free. In Isaiah 30, he talks again, about how His kids were disobedient and refused to repent or rest or anything of the like. How they were deceitful, oppressive, constantly running away.. and "He longs to be gracious to you; therefore He'll rise up to show you compassion."

Over and over again, I'm seeing His heart through my own rebellion. And I'll tell you what, I know a thing or two about rebellion. I'm really skilled at it. I've done it for years at a time. I know the weight of it, the heaviness. It's made me lose my appetite, given me migraines, intruded on my relationships with God and everyone else. Rebellion and I go way back.

One thing I buy into when I'm in that place is that God is angry with me. That He's one step away from giving up, calling it quits. That He's getting fed up with doing this over and over, because He thought I learned my lesson already.

Another thing I struggle with (see above paragraph), is believing that He isn't good. He just wants to take everything I like simply because I like it and He's mean. He likes to play games. Today, it's like He looked me straight in the face and spoke to that very thing.

"Sweet girl, what on earth would ever lead you to believe that I like seeing you miserable? I hate your pain, I hate seeing you hurt like this and do this to yourself. But I can't just leave you here, not by my side. I've got to bring you home. I know that running away from Me is not what's best for you, even if that's what you think you want at the time. I know that's what's best for you is whenever you listen to Me and do the things I ask of you. I ask these things for the right reasons, My heart towards you is always good, even when I'm disciplining you. It's always out of love, never out of anger or disappointment. I don't like disciplining you, I don't like hurting you. The second you turn around and cry out to Me, I'm there. I'm just waiting to show you My compassion and come take you Home."
And this makes sense to my heart. It's comforted and quieted. He's right.

I felt like I should write this, if there's anyone in a place where they are struggling to see God's love or goodness, where they constantly feel guilty and heavy. Anyone that is either tempted to run away or is running away right now. There is no need for that. Take it from Him and take it from me. He's waiting to be close to you, He doesn't want to see you hurt like this.

Hebrews 12:5-11 "And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says, “My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son." 

Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. 

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. “Make level paths for your feet,” so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed."

Trust Me.

So I've been holding onto my old sins so tightly that my knuckles turn white, thinking that they are serving some purpose in my life, instead of letting God totally destroy & rebuild them. I've convinced myself that my own shame and self-condemnation is the only thing that will keep me obedient to God. In reality, maybe it has helped to keep me from going further than I otherwise would have, but it definitely doesn't keep me at Christ's feet in any way. I wonder if anyone can relate. Anyway, today, God told me this, and I have an inclination that maybe someone else needs to hear this too: "Abby, you are clay in My hands. I'm going to make you into something beautiful, but I need you to work with Me. I'm never going to force you into anything, I will wait for your cooperation. Don't give up before we get started. Don't tell me it's useless. Don't follow the stubborness of your own heart anymore, love. Trust Me with your past, your hurts, your sins. Even with those things that you have kept hidden for so long, those things you think unbearably shameful. I know it hurts to touch them, and I know you want to hide them but I've gotta bring them into the light so we can look at them together. My heart is to heal you. You've gotta trust me. I'm not gonna hurt you and just leave you that way, sweet girl. Remember that I am gentle and compassionate, that I care for you more than you care for yourself. I'm the One that put you together, that brought you here in the first place, that carried you across the world and back. When you feel yourself shutting down, when you feel your hands tightening and your mind resorting to that old way of thinking- look up, into My face. I will help you. I am the Christ, the Savior, the only One who knows your deepest self, your deepest hurts and fears and needs. Trust Me with your heart, sweet girl. Take My hand, this will bring us closer together. It will be hard work, but I am with you, and it will be worth it. Trust Me."

There's something special

about the way cold water feels on your feet. Do you know what I mean? It's like all day long we go around our business, not fully aware of where we are or what we are doing. At least I do, anyway. I get lost in my own mind. My thoughts seem to take up all my energy and consciousness. It's exhausting and it's hard to relate to people or really listen or show compassion whenever I get that way. It's like I want to have everything figured out and compartmentalized. I want to know where I'm at in my faith, in my relationships, with jobs.. the list goes on. It's exhausting because I never have it figured out, I never get there. I can't pin point where I am exactly and I can't ever find the right words to encapsulate my thoughts or emotions or ideas. So they just float around aimlessly and untamed in the expanse that is my mind. I get lost trying to find a proper label for them, find a place for them to stay put. But then, the icy water touches my toes. And it demands my full attention. It calls out to me, "you are here, now". The water is completely unaffected and unmoved by my world, by my thoughts. It is consistent, it always feels the same. It always has the same effect on me. Rivers are steady. They're demanding. They remind me that life does indeed go on. That life consists of more than just me and my own experiences. That other things are happening, and that I need to be a part of those things. The icy shock of the water tells me to wake up and come back and join the rest of the world now. There's also something special about friends who just get you. Hopefully you know what I mean. Where you can have conversations about nothing, conversations that go in circles and no one is bothered. Friends that will tell you when you have something in your teeth. Friends that you don't have to host or entertain. My favorite are the friends that aren't afraid of my walls, of my insecurities and fears. The kind that, when faced with all of my different walls that I hide behind, aren't intimidated. Not afraid or offended or shocked. They simply peek their head over and give me a simple "how you doin down there?". Those are the best, because it makes me feel like I'm not so impenetrable and isolated after all. There's something very special about the Fatherly love of God. Just speaking about it, thinking about it, hearing about it nearly always brings me to tears. I can't tell if it's in a good way or a bad way. When I hear things like "God loves you in spite of everything you do or don't do".. I almost feel like my heart breaks. It breaks in the way that you hear an old lover say they never stopped loving you and everything can be the same again. It's that same ache of wanting so desperately to believe it but simply knowing that can't be true. It's the same hurt inside of me. I want so desperately for this Good News to be true, that He is so enthralled by me for no good reason and nothing will ever change that. For some reason, it's so hard to believe. Jesus, Paul, and God Himself have all said it over and over and over. Sometimes I get glimpses of it, and when I do.. it's liberating and beautiful and something I want forever. I hope the glimpses get more frequent and deeper. My soul needs that. Bad.

A few things that have struck me as of late.

Well one, I've really been trying to keep up with all that's going on in Sudan & Iraq and many other places around the world regarding Muslim & "Christian" or "western" interaction. Articles like this flood my homepage. As I was very burdened for this and talking to the Lord about it, this scripture surfaced to my consciousness: we do not fight against flesh and blood, but against the spiritual forces of darkness.. I want to remind my fellow believers that it is not, and should not ever be: christians vs. muslims, gays, liberals, ourselves, or anyone else in the world. Why? Because we don't fight against flesh and blood, against other humans. It's not about and never has been about being "right". We fight against the spirit of hatred and division and oppression and lies that infiltrate into every part of our day to day lives and society as a whole. This, this is what we fight against. Not other people. Second thought, a beautiful transaction happened tonight. Walking across zilker park, talking to my brother Jacob, I noticed briefly a flower lying on the grass, and kept walking. But I couldn't get it off my mind- and suddenly I heard "I got that for you!". So, I turned around and walked back a few feet, picking it up. I smile bashfully and thank Jesus. We keep walking and talking, all the while I'm wondering what I'll do with this perfect flower- this gift- and am growing increasingly touched by it as I roll it between my fingers. A few minutes later, we run across a man hunched over in his wheelchair, with the yellow glow of streetlight surrounding him. "That's for him." So I walk over to him, ask his name, and hand him the flower. Freely we've been given, and freely we give. Recently, I've been given many sweet, undeserved gifts. I was reminded today that we never receive gifts of God only to hoard them, but they're always to be shared. All things are sweetest when shared, anyway. Alright, thats all. Bless you.

Do you want to get well?

When Jesus saw the invalid sitting there and learned he had been in this condition for thirty-eight years, He asked him, "do you want to get well?" John 5:6

Jesus has a way of asking really good questions. That man had been in the condition for 38 years. By this time, he very well could have been accustomed to his illness. Laying there, motionless may have become comfortable and familiar to him. He may have gotten used to his identity as "the invalid". I mean, what else has he known for 2 decades? So, it's a question without an obvious answer. He may have grown complacent by this point, as many people do. As I may or may not have done. So, this morning Jesus asked me the same thing: Abby, do you want to get well? This is not an unfamiliar question. It came up in Kenya about a year ago. And I didn't know my answer. When I wake up in the morning, I don't have a strong desire to live that day. To do anything in particular. I don't really get excited or look forward to the rest of my life. At this point, it seems daunting. And most things I do, I do to "get them over with". I get discouraged when I look at the long stretch of time left in front of me. I've had this weight hovering over me for as long as I can remember. Literally. And in light of that, I've gotten used to it. I've gotten to know this feeling- this place that my emotions seem to camp out- very well. And now, Jesus is asking me if I want to know a new kind of normal? What all does this entail, Jesus? Re-learning a new mindset, seeing life through a new pair of glasses.. if I'm not "the invalid" then who on earth am I? If I can't get your- or anyone else's attention with my pain, how will I get it? If I don't have this weight on my shoulders, how will I move? All of these things are very unfamiliar and pretty uncomfortable. Which is the reason that "do you want to get well?" is a very, very good question for most of us. Not just "get well" from illness, but from all things. Do we want to leave our sin, our crap behind us? Do we want to move from a place of darkness to light? As my sweet friend put it this weekend: we know what happens in the darkness, because we've lived there for so long.. but who knows what goes on in the Light. Do we want to know? For me, the answer (over the past year) has become a yes. Not necessarily because I'm looking forward to the unknown, but because of the One who goes with me. If I see my Jesus walking into unfamiliar territory, I'm not going to stay behind and hope He comes back for me.. I'm going to stay right on His heels. Even if that means leaving behind all that I've known and all that I've been.

Come home

"I've been made holy by Christ's sacrifice. Sacrifice for sin is no longer necessary. I don't "owe" Him anything, and He isn't holding anything against me. Jesus is the new & living door opened for me, so that I can enter God's Home- the place God dwells. I am always welcome. And I will come close to my Dad, with my heart sincere, full of faith, and washed of a guilty conscience."

Hebrews 10 What a lovely and inviting picture created in my mind. It's God's front porch. He lives in a cabin out in the woods. A little house swallowed up by the trees surrounding it. The front porch is sizable and made out of wood. Rocking chairs and rugs and dog bowls decorate it and make it feel like somewhere I belong. Warm light seeps out through the screen door and windows- creating a certain glow that draws me in. The door is open. It's welcoming. It's comfortable. It's Home. Not just because I've been here before, not just because of the way it looks or what it signifies- but because of the Man that sits inside. He is waiting for me- I can hear the clinking of silverware as He puts away the dishes. I can hear the kettle boiling as He is about to make my coffee just how I like it. This is Home. With everything inside of me, I want to sit on that old couch and pour out my heart to this Man who knows me so completely. I have so much to say to Him, so much to ask Him about. I want to see what's going on in His world, in His mind. I wanna know what's on His heart. I wanna be close to Him. Oh, that my soul would come- that everything within me would unreservedly come, trust, sit, be, rest, laugh with my Father one more time. But in come the lies, the guilt, the fears and reservations. Standing in between me and that open door is the long list of how I "should" be, what I "should" be doing. The pressure I put on myself to pull it together, to behave differently..no, to be different. To be someone that is good, kind, lovable. I long for my very heart to be different than it is. This pressure is a weight that doesn't allow me to make another move. There are lies that tell me I must apologize first, I must feel bad, I must be "more reverent". I must have a better understanding of who it is I'm talking to or what exactly I'm saying. There are lies that tell me His heart is not kind and He is not for me. There are fears that say, "what if He asks you to do this? or give up this?" I have been looking at this open door for too long- held back and weighed down by all the lies and misconceptions I've been believing. It's time to go Home, now. It's time to come Home.