arriving in uganda.

so, ive been meaning to write on here for quite some time now, i just havent done it. and i cant come up with any good excuses. recently, i had a conversation with a guy who asked why i wasnt blogging. he said was a gift, a blessing to him. and that convinced me that i should start again. so, here goes it.

i really struggled with the decision to come to uganda. in the first week of december, i had a conversation with my old pastor who now lives near entebbe. we talked about my life in the states, what i had been doing, where i had been working, etc. as i explained it him, we both felt like i was trying to shove myself into a hole that wasnt quite shaped for me. he asked if i had ever considered going back to uganda for some time. i had, every day since i came back so unexpectedly in july. it was something i wanted so badly that i didnt really allow myself the freedom to actually consider it. i was afraid that if i realized that the option of returning were dangling in front of me, i would just close my hand on it and not be able to listen to God about it. so, i convinced myself it just wasnt an option. but for the first time, i realized that maybe it was.

immediately following that conversation, i talked to Jesus about it. i begged that His will be done, not mine. that He open and close doors, that He make it clear, that He guide me. i then talked to a plethora of wise people that i knew, and most of them found it to be a good idea. its where i feel i thrive the most, its where i feel connected. maybe coming here would lead to the next step. i hadnt really received any clarity about what vocation i wanted to pursue since i had been back in the States. mostly, the whole idea is that we dont just sit down where we are, refuse to move until we "hear" from God and wait the rest of our lives for something to force us in one direction or the other. in order to follow, we must be moving. so this was just another step.

so, i decided to get a ticket for the second week of january. then, the last week of december i went to colorado with 13 of my closest friends. all of the sudden, i had an overwhelming feeling of fear and doubt and not wanting to go. because i didnt want to be uncomfortable and insecure and vulnerable. being back in africa is a challenge in itself. i liked my friends, i liked my community, i felt like i belong there. this caused a lot of turmoil within me. i had to take it straight to Jesus everytime the thoughts of doubt came into my mind (which was quite often). i had to constantly remind myself that He will lead me, He knows that i want whatever He wants. i had to remind myself of the Gospel and all the things i knew to be true and unchanging in the midst of indecision and confusion.

whenever i returned back home from my trip to colorado, i was completely undecided. one moment, i would be completely convinced i should stay. the next i should go. people were telling me a hundred different things and i didnt know who to listen to.

everytime i talked to God, i asked Him to silence me so that i could hear Him. i asked Him to tell me whether to stay or go. the only consistent response i got, was along the lines of..surrender..trust me...I will lead you..dont freak out. He made it clear that He was more concerned about my heart belonging to Him, and my daily obedience than my location. it began to look more and more like there were two good things in front of me that i was free to choose between. i spent two consecutive days in tears because i put so much pressure on myself to make sure i got it right. i tried to weigh all of the possible outcomes, i kept asking God to help me see the future (although i wouldnt dare word it like that). eventually, everyone (including myself) got so tired of my indecision and how badly i was freaking out, and i just had to choose. i asked God to open doors, and i had a plane ticket already purchased, i had enough money to last for a while, i had a family waiting to host me, i had nothing really holding me back. except fear of the unknown and the uncomfortable.

so, the night before i was to leave for houston, i decided to go. my lovely friend helped me pack, and the next day i left. in houston, my sister showed me an entry from my utmost for his highest that reminded her of me. it was from january 2. it talked about going out without knowing exactly where we are going, and how its a good thing. it causes us to keep our eyes fixed on Christ because everything around us is so unsure. it forces us to a place of surrender, of trusting God. "one of the most difficult questions of Christian work is, 'what do you expect to do?'. you dont know what you are going to do. all you know is that God knows what He is doing...God does not tell us what He is going to do, but He tells us who He is. let the attitude of your life be a continual willingness to "go out" in dependence on God." this was like a confirmation for me, but i know God has a sense of humor because He decided to tell me that after i had made the decision to go. also, i remembered that about 2 weeks earlier i had begged God to make me less self-aware and more Christ-aware. and these circumstances force that to happen, because nothing else really makes sense except for Him. so, i see an answered prayer.
so, i say goodbyes and board the plane. 20 hours later, i arrive in entebbe. my old pastor picks me from the airport, and i stay with him for a few days before coming here to jinja to stay with the lathams.

on arriving at the airport, i realized that i underestimated how afraid i was to be back here again. east africa doesnthave a very 'safe' feel to it. most people stare at me, mumble about me. im constantly advised to hold tightly to my bag and be careful who i trust. memories from my time in kenya flood my mind and i realize i wasnt necessarily prepared for this. but either way, we get to cherish and i am so blessed to find i have a family there. thats one thing i love about the Body of Christ, is that i have a families all over the world, welcoming me in.

the next day, i realize that there is bitterness in my heart from my last trip here that i still struggle with. its hard not to perceive other people as a threat sometimes, its hard not to stereotype and jump to conclusions. i thought that was behind me, but my defensiveness told me otherwise. i realize that i have forgiving to do.

i asked God to encourage me, and a few minutes later, a girl said, "you are good at asking questions." that is something that i have asked God to help me with time and time again. its refreshing to be reminded that God is at work in me, whether i realize it or not. later on that day, a friend from the states says, "God is going to do something special and really cool with you." that was also terribly encouraging, and helped bring about a new anticipation about my life.

so, after saying goodbye to the phillips, i came to the YWAM base in jinja.
"we've been waiting for the second coming!"
"if you were expecting Jesus, im sorry to disappoint." (-:

apparently, theres already a plethora of painting jobs for me to get started on. theres football to play, Lugandan words to be learned, matoke to be eaten, prayers to be prayed. im looking forward to it.
ill try to keep yall up to date.
blessings.

she's mine, she's mine, she's mine

it all began with..
do You really forgive me? can Your grace reach so far as to meet me here, where i am, covered in sin and filth? can i be forgiven after i blatently told You that Your creation was better than You are, more fulfilling? am i really clean right now? is Your word really living & active, can it pierce between bone and marrow, breaking down all the walls ive built up against You? does Jesus plead my case? do i even know who You really are to me? not from other peoples impressions of You. not my parents God, my friends God, matt carters God, but my God? can our relationship really not be affected by anyone else or anything else?

then He pointed me to..
already you are clean by the Word ive spoken to you. (john 15:3) the one who has bathed doesnt need to wash, except for his feet, but is completely clean. if I do not wash you, then you dont belong to Me. (john 13:8)

this begged the question(s)..
so, i have been cleaned once and for all by His blood? but how do i know that im clean? what does it mean to be cleansed daily?

then my prayer became..
create in me a clean heart, God. and renew a right spirit within me. dont cast me away from Your presence, dont take away Your Holy Spirit from me. restore me to the joy of my salvation, uphold me with a willing spirit. wash me thoroughly from my sin, erase my transgessions completely! i want to be blameless in Your judgement. purge me, and ill be clean. let the bones that You have broken rejoice. hide Your face from my sin. the sacrifices You desire are a broken spirit and contrite heart. i know that You dont despise that, You actually delight in it. (psalm 51)

and that led me to..
let us draw near, with a true heart thats sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed pure with water. (hebrews 10:22) since God said, "I will be your God and you will be My people", let us cleanse ourselves from every defilement of body & spirit, bringing holiness to completion. (2 cor 7:1)resist the devil, and he will flee from you. draw near to God, and He will draw near to you. cleanse your hands and purify your hearts, you double-minded sinners. (james 4:8)

and that made me wonder..
how do we cleanse ourselves? whats the difference between the cleansing we do ourselves and the cleansing Christ does in us?

and then i read..
the Holy Spirit cleanses our hearts by faith. (acts 15:8) Christ loved the Church, and gave Himself up for her, that He might sanctify her, cleansing her by the washing of the water with the Word, that He might present her to Himself without blemish. (eph 5:26)

with brought me to the conclusion(s)..
we are cleansed in response to God calling us to be His people.
cleansing results in the completion of holiness, and wisdom.
we are cleansed by His Word.
i am cleansed by my faith in Christ, thats my assurance.
the reason why Christ washes us so that His bride is beautiful when she's presented to Him.
the cleansing we do is putting out of our lives every kind of evil, resisting the devil, and spending time in His Word.
He does the rest.

and then out of nowhere, hebrews 7 comes up..
if perfection was attainable by the law, Jesus wouldnt be necessary, since Jesus is our high priest, the old law is abolished and a new law of freedom is set in place. a better hope is introduced, through which we draw near to God. He is able to save completely, forever those who draw near to God, since He always lives to make intercession for them. He is holy, innocent, unstained, seperate from sinners, exalted above the heavens. theres no need for daily sacrifices- He did this once and for all. not only does He offer sacrifices for people, He is the sacrifice. He gave up His own Son for us, why would He not graciously give us all things? it is God who justifies. Christ is at the right hand of God, interceding for us. He effectively intervenes. (romans 8:31)

and so i felt like..
im not going to be good enough on my own. Christ's death would be meaningless if it werent for moments like this whenever weakness and sin overwhelms me. He came- He is here- to set me free from this guilt and shame.

and it ended with..
how beautiful a sound to hear Christ pleading my case, even when i am actively running the other direction. oh, i want to hear the things He says with my own ears. what possibly could He be saying? what else could i give except all of myself? this broken self still isnt enough to repay You half of what Youve given me.
when standing before God, the only plea i have is Jesus, i point to Him, i utter His Name and i am completely forgiven. completely, forever. saved from all that i deserve, given all that i do not. is there more beautiful a name, than Jesus? my only plea, my only hope, my only anchor. all that i have to stand on, hide under, run to, kneel before. my precious Savior. by the name of Jesus- i really am pardoned. not only pardoned, but forgiven. not only forgiven, but also set free.

oh, let me feel the weight of freedom.

i dont have to run anymore because of the words He speaks so boldly to the Father moment by moment:
she's mine. she's mine.
because of these words, i can speak so boldly back:
i'm Yours. i am Yours.

i cried out to the Lord, and He answered me. (psalm 120)

a God without an expiration date.

sometimes i buy into the lie that something- or someone- other than Christ can satisfy me. what a disgusting thought.
everything else fails. everyone else fails. people get bored and leave, or get tired of hearing the same things over and over again. people break their promises. flowers wither, and flames run out. food has an expiration date. even some relationships have an expiration date. most do, actually.
but our God, our God- He lasts forever. He doesnt wither, He doesnt fade, He has never let me down, or walked away from me. He has never been unfaithful, He has never turned his back, been uninterested, or had something better to do. God doesnt "get to know" me, He knows more no more or less than He did on the day i was born- or the day He created the world. the world is no less young than it was when He breathed life into it. He will never love me more, or less than He does in this moment. His love doesnt depend on my reaction or lack there of. it isnt hindered by His selfish desires, it isnt tamed by my religious jargon or close-minded attitude. His love is unchanging. almost like its steadfast or something?

the steadfast love of the Lord endures.
you can say that again.

i have always full-heartedly believed that I was created solely to worship Him, to give Him glory- to know and love and obey Him. i know that i don't have a God-shaped hole in me- that only could be filled by Him. i used to believe that when i was younger. but now i know that i am a God shaped hole. no aspect of my life has meaning or substance without Him. nothing is worth doing if it is not with Him, or for Him. air is useless if not breathed in His name.
so why then, do i walk away? why am i prone to wander?
Christ alone can satisfy, and i know that firsthand. primarily because He is my only option.
i hate that i can testify more to the fact that i know that the world cant satisfy me than knowing that Christ does.
i want to know His satisfaction. i want to feel it in my gut. i want to walk in it, breathe it in. i bet that the more that happens, the less i will turn to things that don't satisfy.

"if you will only love Me, you will do what i say."
the first step isnt obedience. love draws us to obedience.
the first step isnt 'getting rid' of my sin, its being satisfied in Him.
right?

not today.

what if we took verses like these seriously?

"all who desire to live a Godly life in Christ WILL BE PERSECUTED" 2 tim 3:12
"then Jesus will say to those on his left, 'depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. for I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.'" matt 25:40-41

we are representing Christ. why cant we understand that?

we value safety and security so much in america. we refuse to risk it, to let our children risk it. its not safe to approach a poor man on the street, a thirsty man asking for water, a demon-possessed man, a stranger. so what do we do? we walk right on by, risking nothing. when that man is Jesus. is Jesus then, not safe? because His clothes are dirty, and He doesnt have a home?

more to come.

the Feast

Come now and join the feast,
from the greatest to the very least,
come now and join the feast,
right here in the belly of the beast.

Cops and soldiers you can come too,
just lay down your guns and come on through.

Rich people get rid of your stuff,
and poor people there will be enough.

Mighty ones come down from your thrones,
and little ones you will not be alone.

Come now and join the feast,
from the greatest to the very least,
come now and join the feast,
right here in the belly of the beast.

Lazy man come to the table,
and make some room for those who ain't able.

Pretty winners swallow your pride,
drink the ugly loser who for all died.

Make sure everyone has some,
and then we'll see the the Kingdom...

be salty.

it is not up to my discretion where i live, it is Christs decision. its not up to me who i talk to today, its His call. this dollar is not my own, it is His and His alone.
i died the moment i told Him i 'accepted' Him. the moment i gave Him my life, i gave Him all my dreams and aspirations and desires and fears and the way i do things.
these days, there is an issue with people coming to 'know' Christ, but not counting the cost of discipleship. i wonder if at those huge rallies or conferences, when people rush forward at the altar call, if Jesus is standing there, screaming at them to take a second, and count the cost.
i definitely didnt know the cost. i didnt know that i would have to wake up every morning and die, that i would have to renounce everything. it wasnt until 2 weeks ago i took those words in luke 14 seriously. and its realy discontenting, humbling, and convicting.
i can lay down all of my material possessions with more ease than most people, but my personality is harder for me to surrender. ive spent 17 years cultivating this person i want to be, how i want to act, who i want to be. but, like i said, im dead. it really isnt that abby that lives anymore. it is only Christ. the same Jesus that walked 2000 years ago, still alive in me today.
i hope this realization makes its way from my head to my heart, soon and very soon. then it will produce a change that puts a smile on His face.

http://www.brookhills.org/media/series/radical/

Luke 14:25-34
Large crowds were traveling with Jesus, and turning to them he said: "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple. And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple. Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Will he not first sit down and estimate the cost to see if he has enough money to complete it? For if he lays the foundation and is not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule him, saying, 'This fellow began to build and was not able to finish. Or suppose a king is about to go to war against another king. Will he not first sit down and consider whether he is able with ten thousand men to oppose the one coming against him with twenty thousand? If he is not able, he will send a delegation while the other is still a long way off and will ask for terms of peace. 33In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple. Salt is good, but if it loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is fit neither for the soil nor for the manure pile; it is thrown out.
"He who has ears to hear, let him hear."

sometimes i am amazed that i am alive.

and unfortunately, sometimes i wonder if i really am.

Abba, wake me up. bring me to life.

something about the last few days is really beautiful. i like where this is going.