quia amasti me, fecisti me amabilem.

ive recently been reading my sweet friend's book. its called the furious longing of God. its pretty great, really.

"come now, My love.
My lovely one, come.

for you, the winter has passed,
the snows are over and gone,
the flowers appear in the land,
the season of joyful songs has come.

the cooing of the turtledove is
heard in our land.

come now, My love.
My lovely one, come."
Song 2:10-14

i love the way He calls us, in a way we can understand.

"i am My Beloveds. His desire is for me."

i love that He is so gentle.

"therefore, let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need."

i love that He beckons me to come to Him boldly. He wants me to scream at Him, beg Him, just be honest with Him. i love that about Him. that terrifies me about Him.

i love that love is His identity.


i dont want to put His will, or my desires before Him. even if that includes my desires to go back to Kibera. i want to always always always remember my first Love. i want to remember that He loved me first, that He laid down everything, while i was still a sinner. i want all these things. and i dont know what i want. but i couldnt care less. thats not true. i want everything to be simple.

be still, and know that I am God.
cease striving, and know that I am Love.
quit going, and know that I am patient.
be quiet, and know that I am your Abba.

i want to do that today, too.

Abba, i belong to You.

this is a peculiar journey i am on right now.

completely irrelevant.

so, today has been really odd. i just got back from kenya a few days ago. ive been all out of sorts. i think i left my heart in kibera. i hardly care about anything, and i have a very loose grip on reality.

some things i know are:
i lost an iPod and fourty dollars.
i have two new bracelets.
my life will be more expensive with this new international calling nonsense.

i want to be able to say, nothing else compares to the greatness of knowing You. not even what You have called me to, not even the people of africa, not even Your will. isnt that an odd predicament to be in? i dont know exactly how to distinguish between Him and His will. i want to know this warmly personal and deeply affectionate God more and more. i want to want that, atleast.
im going to oklahoma tomorrow because i dont want to be here and i dont know why. i think that offends alot of people.
i havent been engaging in life recently, and i dont plan to start anytime soon.
im going to work out more.

goodnight.