so, ive been meaning to write on here for quite some time now, i just havent done it. and i cant come up with any good excuses. recently, i had a conversation with a guy who asked why i wasnt blogging. he said was a gift, a blessing to him. and that convinced me that i should start again. so, here goes it.
i really struggled with the decision to come to uganda. in the first week of december, i had a conversation with my old pastor who now lives near entebbe. we talked about my life in the states, what i had been doing, where i had been working, etc. as i explained it him, we both felt like i was trying to shove myself into a hole that wasnt quite shaped for me. he asked if i had ever considered going back to uganda for some time. i had, every day since i came back so unexpectedly in july. it was something i wanted so badly that i didnt really allow myself the freedom to actually consider it. i was afraid that if i realized that the option of returning were dangling in front of me, i would just close my hand on it and not be able to listen to God about it. so, i convinced myself it just wasnt an option. but for the first time, i realized that maybe it was.
immediately following that conversation, i talked to Jesus about it. i begged that His will be done, not mine. that He open and close doors, that He make it clear, that He guide me. i then talked to a plethora of wise people that i knew, and most of them found it to be a good idea. its where i feel i thrive the most, its where i feel connected. maybe coming here would lead to the next step. i hadnt really received any clarity about what vocation i wanted to pursue since i had been back in the States. mostly, the whole idea is that we dont just sit down where we are, refuse to move until we "hear" from God and wait the rest of our lives for something to force us in one direction or the other. in order to follow, we must be moving. so this was just another step.
so, i decided to get a ticket for the second week of january. then, the last week of december i went to colorado with 13 of my closest friends. all of the sudden, i had an overwhelming feeling of fear and doubt and not wanting to go. because i didnt want to be uncomfortable and insecure and vulnerable. being back in africa is a challenge in itself. i liked my friends, i liked my community, i felt like i belong there. this caused a lot of turmoil within me. i had to take it straight to Jesus everytime the thoughts of doubt came into my mind (which was quite often). i had to constantly remind myself that He will lead me, He knows that i want whatever He wants. i had to remind myself of the Gospel and all the things i knew to be true and unchanging in the midst of indecision and confusion.
whenever i returned back home from my trip to colorado, i was completely undecided. one moment, i would be completely convinced i should stay. the next i should go. people were telling me a hundred different things and i didnt know who to listen to.
everytime i talked to God, i asked Him to silence me so that i could hear Him. i asked Him to tell me whether to stay or go. the only consistent response i got, was along the lines of..surrender..trust me...I will lead you..dont freak out. He made it clear that He was more concerned about my heart belonging to Him, and my daily obedience than my location. it began to look more and more like there were two good things in front of me that i was free to choose between. i spent two consecutive days in tears because i put so much pressure on myself to make sure i got it right. i tried to weigh all of the possible outcomes, i kept asking God to help me see the future (although i wouldnt dare word it like that). eventually, everyone (including myself) got so tired of my indecision and how badly i was freaking out, and i just had to choose. i asked God to open doors, and i had a plane ticket already purchased, i had enough money to last for a while, i had a family waiting to host me, i had nothing really holding me back. except fear of the unknown and the uncomfortable.
so, the night before i was to leave for houston, i decided to go. my lovely friend helped me pack, and the next day i left. in houston, my sister showed me an entry from my utmost for his highest that reminded her of me. it was from january 2. it talked about going out without knowing exactly where we are going, and how its a good thing. it causes us to keep our eyes fixed on Christ because everything around us is so unsure. it forces us to a place of surrender, of trusting God. "one of the most difficult questions of Christian work is, 'what do you expect to do?'. you dont know what you are going to do. all you know is that God knows what He is doing...God does not tell us what He is going to do, but He tells us who He is. let the attitude of your life be a continual willingness to "go out" in dependence on God." this was like a confirmation for me, but i know God has a sense of humor because He decided to tell me that after i had made the decision to go. also, i remembered that about 2 weeks earlier i had begged God to make me less self-aware and more Christ-aware. and these circumstances force that to happen, because nothing else really makes sense except for Him. so, i see an answered prayer.
so, i say goodbyes and board the plane. 20 hours later, i arrive in entebbe. my old pastor picks me from the airport, and i stay with him for a few days before coming here to jinja to stay with the lathams.
on arriving at the airport, i realized that i underestimated how afraid i was to be back here again. east africa doesnthave a very 'safe' feel to it. most people stare at me, mumble about me. im constantly advised to hold tightly to my bag and be careful who i trust. memories from my time in kenya flood my mind and i realize i wasnt necessarily prepared for this. but either way, we get to cherish and i am so blessed to find i have a family there. thats one thing i love about the Body of Christ, is that i have a families all over the world, welcoming me in.
the next day, i realize that there is bitterness in my heart from my last trip here that i still struggle with. its hard not to perceive other people as a threat sometimes, its hard not to stereotype and jump to conclusions. i thought that was behind me, but my defensiveness told me otherwise. i realize that i have forgiving to do.
i asked God to encourage me, and a few minutes later, a girl said, "you are good at asking questions." that is something that i have asked God to help me with time and time again. its refreshing to be reminded that God is at work in me, whether i realize it or not. later on that day, a friend from the states says, "God is going to do something special and really cool with you." that was also terribly encouraging, and helped bring about a new anticipation about my life.
so, after saying goodbye to the phillips, i came to the YWAM base in jinja.
"we've been waiting for the second coming!"
"if you were expecting Jesus, im sorry to disappoint." (-:
apparently, theres already a plethora of painting jobs for me to get started on. theres football to play, Lugandan words to be learned, matoke to be eaten, prayers to be prayed. im looking forward to it.
ill try to keep yall up to date.
blessings.
