There are some things I really love about God.
I for one, love that we lack. Or maybe it's just me. I'll
speak for myself, here. I lack the ability to love myself fully. To develop my
own self-esteem. To "elevate my self-worth". I've tried.. I try now.
It just feels like I'm trying to fool myself. Like I'm trying to convince
myself that I am better, more loving, more kind, more capable than I really am.
It feels dishonest in some ways. I love that I lack the resources in and of
myself to care for myself completely.
Given that, I love that He meets that need. I love that He
affirms me. Regardless of whether I believe it or not- whether I have faith or
not, He validates me. I am lovable because I am loved by Him. I am worth so
much, I am so valuable.. because He says I am. Granted, the effect that has on
my intra/interpersonal relationships depends on the faith I have in and my awareness
of that reality.. But I find comfort in the fact that that is an ultimate
Reality that exists apart from me. I am loved. Whether I believe it or not. I
am loved. I can breathe easy because of that. I don't have to seeking that affection,
attention, admiration of others because of that. (Of course, on my good days).
I also love that God calls it like it is- and asks me to do
the same. I don't have to find my
self-worth in myself, I don't have to convince myself that I am better or more
worthy than I am. He enables me to have the courage to confess that I am, in
fact, inadequate. That there are things that I lack in terms of taking care of
myself and taking care of others. Coming to terms with this reality has been
very liberating for me. This allows me to be genuine with myself, with Him,
with other people.
I realized today that even as He calls us to holiness, it's still
from this place of transparency. I've always thought of "holiness" as
primarily a form of behavior modification. I've always thought of it as showing
self-restraint, consistently doing certain Christian practices and treating others differently. Surely this is part
of it, but I don't think it's the whole story. If my heart, my motivations
remained unchanged, then this is called hypocrisy. Jesus doesn't like that at
all. In fact, it seems to be one of the characteristics of people that He
really opposes. One of the key things in the process of becoming
"holy" is confession. Being transparent with God and others. Allowing
Him to see me the way I am, to see all of the things I lack. Whenever I walk in
that kind of openness, surrender, vulnerability with Him..He takes care of my
motivations, my heart. That is also liberating for me. It makes me less
intimidated by this concept of "holiness".
Anyway, just a few thoughts.
