For one, I noticed that every time it seemed like my emotions connected with my Spirit, there was grief, mainly. I just cried and cried. And hurt. For different reasons, on different days, but the same grief.
I was talking to my friend last weekend about all of the disconnection and frustration I feel. About how I constantly want to really connect with God, be centered on Him, listening to Him, believing in His love for me. But I just never get there. And what's standing in the way? Me! My own disbelief, lack of faith, misperceptions about His character. The worst part is, these doubts I've had about his love and His goodness... I've had these for years and years. Unable to let go. And I'm just getting to the point where I'm fed up with the whole thing. Wanting to drop it all.
"When did all of this start? These doubts, where do they come from?"
My memory takes me back to one particular moment in time, in Kenya, when I felt a shock and a loss like I've never experienced before. The first thing that went through my mind in that moment was, "Well, I guess these things happen. I guess God doesn't care what happens to our physical bodies.. I must subscribe to that and accept that. He allows these things to happen, and perhaps He is removed from this, and this is just another part of life."
Granted, this particular event was by far one of the most awful things I've experienced.. but this sort of suffering characterized my time overseas. I came face to face with violence, with loss, with pain- literally every single day. And given that I had no one to really process through all of that with, and no place to put it, I guess I just tried my best to normalize all of it. This is what I saw the people who lived there doing, as well. There is just too much of it to face all at once.
So, I guess I got it in my head that God is somehow removed from it as well. Sure, maybe He doesn't like it, but it must not be too bad, or else He wouldn't let it happen in the first place... right?
So, these are the kinds of things I've been struggling with. I have this hunch that tells me that these thoughts, this way of thinking about pain and suffering, simply isn't true. But for the last week, I've just been mentioning it to Him. Asking Him about those moments, about what He really feels in those times. About what He's really like.
And yesterday, I watched this video of Cornel West speaking. In passing, he mentions, "I hear Vishnu dances, I like that! Well, Jesus weeps... Jesus weeps. If there is one thing He does, Jesus weeps."
This morning, as I sat down to talk to Him yet again about all of this and ask the same question, those words sink from my mind down into my heart and radiate out through my lips, as tears start streaming down my face. After weeks of these doubts, these questions, it all starts to come together.
I have a God, who suffers. Who truly, deeply suffers with us. WITH us. He was not far removed. He was in it, literally. He experienced and experiences all of those moments that are too much to bear for the human spirit.
I have a God who weeps. Who isn't afraid of pain the way we are. Who lets it wash over Him, who doesn't run from it or avoid it- but stares it straight in the face with His tear-filled eyes wide open. Who lets Himself be hurt, time and time again. Knowing how all things come together in the end.
In the moments of unbearable pain and shock for me, smiles and words and encouragements are powerless to console me. They bounce right off of my ears, leaving no trace of their existence. But tears.. another person's tears. That comforts me in a deep place. Because those tears show me that I'm not alone. That this suffering isn't only my own. That there is someone who is sharing this burden with me, sharing this experience with me. It is not only mine to bear. Only tears have the power to console me.
And tears are what Jesus offers.
"He took our pain, bore our suffering. He was hated, rejected, misunderstood, and alone. Called a man of suffering, familiar with pain. He took the punishment we deserved, and brought us peace. By His wounds, we are healed." Isaiah 53:3-5
By His tears, I have been comforted today.
