these days.

i dont think i am who i want to be. i think i want to be something im not. i think too much and dont do enough. i do too much without thinking.
i hate when i say things that dont make a difference. i hate words that dont do anything to change the world one bit.
my dad says wisdom is just keeping your eyes open. learning from your own mistakes, learning from others mistakes. unfortunately, this is a challenge for me. its hard to stay awake sometimes, when theres nothing worth experiencing.
the Lord disciplines those He loves. He disciplines His children. and He has been disciplining me a lot lately. removing the feeling that kept me going, to show me that the feeling is what kept me going. making me walk by faith, not by sight.
by giving me friends that say things that id rather not hear, to show me that my pride is what covers my ears and eyes. i keep asking for humility, and He is faithful. thats for sure. He has been breaking my pride and crushing everything i thought i knew about Him.

i think i live like i eat. i think like i eat.
i go through phases of specific food. right now my diet consists of yogurt, berries, hummus, spinach dip, guacamole, mangoes, pesto pasta. thats literally it. next month, i wont want anything to do with those food items ever again.
as of late, ive noticed i develop cycles like that in my mind.
for instance, "God is a God of order". someone plants that idea in my mind, and i sit with it. i sit with this small clay ball in my lap, this thought. then, i think and i pray and i ponder and i forget and i remember and i keep thinking and eventually, i come to a conclusion about my "God is a God of order" clay ball, and i add some clay, and make it circular. then, i realize that conclusion is wrong, so i break it off and start over, adding another right conclusion. and so on and so forth. but anyway, i feel like my mind is full of the same floating ideas, just occasionally making their way to the front, to take their turn at my conciousness. then, they disappear again.

having said that, thats all i have to say about that. i dont mind it. i dont really like it. it is what it is.

but anyway, i spent the weekend camping. my father told me, "growing old is inevitable, growing up is optional". wisdom and maturity is the current clay ball that im cultivating.
proverbs 3 He says that "by wisdom the LORD laid the earth's foundations,by understanding he set the heavens in place;by his knowledge the deeps were divided, and the clouds let drop the dew"
so in essence, wisdom is the very structure of all creation. if we go against wisdom, and live foolish and misguided lives, we will not live in harmony with creation, or its Creator.
all this to say, apparently wisdom is really important. and i never really grasped that. i still dont now, but atleast i know that its something to be grasped right?

i feel like im standing at not only a crossroads, but in the middle of a forest. with really overwhelming trees that are entirely too large to comprehend. and its beautiful, but im wandering. and we all know that not all who wander are lost. im excited about moving, about going somewhere and walking barefoot over trees and falling down and scraping my knees and running into the proverbial spider webs of life. im excited to live. but right now, im laying down on the leaves, looking up, trying to understand the sunshine and why ants never stop moving. im ready to sit up, and start going somewhere. and the beauty is, He is there with me. He is the trees, the ants, the sunshine and the spider webs. He is everything i understand Him to be and so much more than i could ever know.

im going to start taking pictures again. but this time it might be a little bit different. i also want to redo my room. hm.