Do you want to get well?

When Jesus saw the invalid sitting there and learned he had been in this condition for thirty-eight years, He asked him, "do you want to get well?" John 5:6

Jesus has a way of asking really good questions. That man had been in the condition for 38 years. By this time, he very well could have been accustomed to his illness. Laying there, motionless may have become comfortable and familiar to him. He may have gotten used to his identity as "the invalid". I mean, what else has he known for 2 decades? So, it's a question without an obvious answer. He may have grown complacent by this point, as many people do. As I may or may not have done. So, this morning Jesus asked me the same thing: Abby, do you want to get well? This is not an unfamiliar question. It came up in Kenya about a year ago. And I didn't know my answer. When I wake up in the morning, I don't have a strong desire to live that day. To do anything in particular. I don't really get excited or look forward to the rest of my life. At this point, it seems daunting. And most things I do, I do to "get them over with". I get discouraged when I look at the long stretch of time left in front of me. I've had this weight hovering over me for as long as I can remember. Literally. And in light of that, I've gotten used to it. I've gotten to know this feeling- this place that my emotions seem to camp out- very well. And now, Jesus is asking me if I want to know a new kind of normal? What all does this entail, Jesus? Re-learning a new mindset, seeing life through a new pair of glasses.. if I'm not "the invalid" then who on earth am I? If I can't get your- or anyone else's attention with my pain, how will I get it? If I don't have this weight on my shoulders, how will I move? All of these things are very unfamiliar and pretty uncomfortable. Which is the reason that "do you want to get well?" is a very, very good question for most of us. Not just "get well" from illness, but from all things. Do we want to leave our sin, our crap behind us? Do we want to move from a place of darkness to light? As my sweet friend put it this weekend: we know what happens in the darkness, because we've lived there for so long.. but who knows what goes on in the Light. Do we want to know? For me, the answer (over the past year) has become a yes. Not necessarily because I'm looking forward to the unknown, but because of the One who goes with me. If I see my Jesus walking into unfamiliar territory, I'm not going to stay behind and hope He comes back for me.. I'm going to stay right on His heels. Even if that means leaving behind all that I've known and all that I've been.

Come home

"I've been made holy by Christ's sacrifice. Sacrifice for sin is no longer necessary. I don't "owe" Him anything, and He isn't holding anything against me. Jesus is the new & living door opened for me, so that I can enter God's Home- the place God dwells. I am always welcome. And I will come close to my Dad, with my heart sincere, full of faith, and washed of a guilty conscience."

Hebrews 10 What a lovely and inviting picture created in my mind. It's God's front porch. He lives in a cabin out in the woods. A little house swallowed up by the trees surrounding it. The front porch is sizable and made out of wood. Rocking chairs and rugs and dog bowls decorate it and make it feel like somewhere I belong. Warm light seeps out through the screen door and windows- creating a certain glow that draws me in. The door is open. It's welcoming. It's comfortable. It's Home. Not just because I've been here before, not just because of the way it looks or what it signifies- but because of the Man that sits inside. He is waiting for me- I can hear the clinking of silverware as He puts away the dishes. I can hear the kettle boiling as He is about to make my coffee just how I like it. This is Home. With everything inside of me, I want to sit on that old couch and pour out my heart to this Man who knows me so completely. I have so much to say to Him, so much to ask Him about. I want to see what's going on in His world, in His mind. I wanna know what's on His heart. I wanna be close to Him. Oh, that my soul would come- that everything within me would unreservedly come, trust, sit, be, rest, laugh with my Father one more time. But in come the lies, the guilt, the fears and reservations. Standing in between me and that open door is the long list of how I "should" be, what I "should" be doing. The pressure I put on myself to pull it together, to behave differently..no, to be different. To be someone that is good, kind, lovable. I long for my very heart to be different than it is. This pressure is a weight that doesn't allow me to make another move. There are lies that tell me I must apologize first, I must feel bad, I must be "more reverent". I must have a better understanding of who it is I'm talking to or what exactly I'm saying. There are lies that tell me His heart is not kind and He is not for me. There are fears that say, "what if He asks you to do this? or give up this?" I have been looking at this open door for too long- held back and weighed down by all the lies and misconceptions I've been believing. It's time to go Home, now. It's time to come Home.