2/365

1/365

new things.

so, i started a 365 project. basically, ill make some form of art every day for 365 days. thats all. ive sort of kept up with it.

i finished hosea, and that rocked so hard, sorta. at the very end, He says:
I will heal your sickness,
I will love you freely,
for My anger has turned from you.
I will be your source of water,
and you will bloom like the lily.
you shall take root like the trees,
your roots shall spread out.
your beauty shall be like the olive,
and your fragrance like the cedar trees.
I am like the evergreen cypress,
all fruit comes from Me.

sometimes its hard to trust that the Lord is both merciful and just; that He is holy and perfect. but, His character is consistent regardless of mere human belief or opinion, hallelujah!

shalom, sweet friends!

בעלי

i have been reading hosea. and He has been speaking loud and clear.

basically, today, i read hosea 1 & 2. God tells hosea to go and find a woman who he knows will be unfaithful to him, and marry her. this is supposed to paint a picture of how israel is unfaithful to Himself. for whatever reason, hosea readily complies. this woman's name is gomer. they have some kids, she remains unfaithful, and the Lord restores, per usual. but here's the point.
i am gomer, and He is hosea.
its easy to think of myself as adulterous back in the day whenever i was blatantly turning my back on Him and sprinting the other direction, but its hard to see myself in that light when i am actively pursuing Him. until i think about my sin as it is. i am no better than i was. i am no better than the man on death row. i am no better than anyone that ever existed. anyway.

first, God blocks the paths to her other "lovers" (or idols). He says "she will seek them, but she will not find them". He creates in her a God-shaped hole that cannot be filled by any one or anything else. then, she returns back to Him. He says "she didnt even know that i was the One who gave her all the things she was seeking in the first place." in Gomers case, this was bread, wine, and oil. in my case, this is worth, identity, fulfillment.

second, the Lord removes what He has given her from the beginning and punishes her "for going after her other lovers, and forgetting about Me." i love that He allows Himself to be vulnerable to us.

third, (my favorite) He woo's her! He entices, seduces, allures her. He brings her into the wilderness (used to represent a brighter time in the marriage) and "speaks tenderly" to her. have you ever heard Him speak tenderly to you? it may just be the most beautiful sound youll ever hear.

all this just so that "she answers Me like she did when all was well, and she loved Me." it's not like God didn't know she would remain unfaithful and stray from Him again. He was well-aware. but, its worth it to Him to have her full attention and loyalty and affection just for those few moments or years or however long.

"and in that day, you will call me, 'my Husband'".
i read this and started bawling. it's like He forgets everything she's ever done. He not only forgives, but literally forgets every time ive turned my back on Him. He is only present in the here and now, when i am fully His.
its like in the notebook when the husband reads to his wife who has alzheimers for months on end, just so that she might remember him when the story's over.
to God, those few moments are worth the lifetime of work it took Him to get me where i am. this understanding overcame me.

(on that note, i decided on my first tattoo im getting)

"and I will betroth you forever." this means He will pay the price to call her His own, forever. He says the price He must pay is righteousness, justice, steadfast love, mercy, and faithfulness. do you see? everything she lacks, He has. everything she is not, He is. He makes up for her flaws, and makes her beautiful.

i think the reason this passage speaks to my heart the way it does is because ive (almost) known this kind of love and devotion before. for the past few months, ive been wondering why He allowed me to go through that love & loss in the first place. and now i see it. i heard Him say,

"abby, I can love you better. I can love you more. I can be more. I can replace him."

that blew me away.
the past 3 years of my life made sense all of the sudden.

and to conclude, "AND YOU SHALL KNOW THE LORD."
not only is He my Provider, Protector, Abba, and Savior.
He is my Lover. my Husband.
He makes me heart race. He makes me giddy. He makes me laugh. He makes me smile.
He is my Husband.



...and now you know why im getting that tattoo.

God is good, amen?

some beautiful, wonderful things have been happening lately. i wish i had an automatic typewriter in my head to make a sorry attempt at recording everything He has done and is doing, so i could in turn, share it with you. all of it. but, i cant. so here goes nothing.

Lord, speak over me "winter is passed, the rain is over and gone. the season of joyful song has come. it's just you and Me now, and I am all you need."
i have come out of drought, and it was just by His grace. usually, it can somewhat be accredited to my obedience in following Him that brings me to a place where i feel satisfied and whole in Him. but this time, i did nothing. nothing but simply ask. through my lack of faithfulness, He showed me His grace. His reach is further, still. hallelujah #1.

Lord, if You give me a parking spot today, i will know i can trust You.
i was feeling ballsy when i said this, obviously. but lo & behold, He did it! right after i saw this parking spot right next to the entrance, i just started laughing because i heard Him say "wellp, look whatchya got yourself into now!". and now, i trust the Lord all the more, which also means i will follow Him in all things. it's so great that He didnt have to prove Himself to me, He simply chose to. i am so undeserving.

Lord, make my father more of a father, and more like You.
for the past week, my dad has been calling or texting me every single day, which in and of itself is a miracle. ive seen his heart on numerous occasions, not to mention ive just seen more of him in general. its a beautiful thing.

Lord, Godspeed on these textbooks. get them here by friday if i can trust You!
ballsy, again. sometimes i pray without thinking. ironic. but, He came through anyway! He got them here in time AND gave me the wisdom and knowledge to ace my first exam. thats a miracle.

the list goes on and on...literally.
long story short, He has been keeping me in tune with what He is doing. He has been teaching me to pray without ceasing, in every situation. i have no idea why He has been lavishing these glorious things upon me, but i sure do love it. He is definitely growing my faith and trust just by proving Himself trustworthy, even when He doesnt have to. why? because He is good.

decisions, decisions. or lack thereof.

so, Lord willing, im graduating in december, then from there will be located one of two places:
calcutta, india
nairobi, kenya
this decision involves alot of prayer and a coin toss.



my sweet ray of sunshine told me about this org called YWAM. they seem pretty alright. we might have the same heartbeat, which is living among the poor, not just near them. touching the leper, not just standing at a distance. loving people, not just talking to them.
anyway, they have these things called discipleship training schools. theyre 6 months long and basically teach people in the things of God. cool. and, they have them all over the world.


so, i might end up in a dts in india or africa. either way, im happy. i also might end up in austin, texas. i might be dead.

the other major life decision im debating is.. a monroe piercing. this one is a bigger deal. i hear they are $15 on sunday.



the Lord has been giving me parking spaces every day for the past 3 days. im praying Godspeed over my textbooks right now. and i just want to know Him. weve had some good talks recently.
that is all.

ps, this has been on my mind all day.




penda.

if the netherlands win, ill go to college.

i cant wait until God isnt this idea breathing down my neck, prohibiting me from doing all the things i want to do, and making me do all the things i dont.
i cant wait until He is no longer a slot machine. if i pray the exact combination of words He is looking for, ill be granted my wish.
i cant wait until He is no longer charlie, calling me a few times a month giving me instructions and guidance, while He sips His martini on His hammock on the beach. i cant wait until i hear from Him more often than that.

i cant wait until His grace is enough, His mercies are new every morning, His thoughts for me are more than i can count, He is involved in every step of my life, He is an everpresent help in a time of trouble.
i wonder if He gets excited about the world cup and laughs at my stupid jokes. i wonder what His favorite drink is, if He prefers wine or champagne. i wonder if He even has taste buds. i wonder if He wants me to go to college or not. i wonder if He gives a crap. i wonder if He's mad at me for saying that.
i dont like this non-god i "serve".
i want to want Him, but it hasnt rained in a while and i dont know what to do.
i hope God doesnt play golf or wear plaid shirts.

ive been wikipedia-ing people i think are fascinating. so, im going to write multiple wikipedia articles on my life. what it could or could not be like. as if i have any control over that.

yesterday, i spent 45 seconds thinking about a hole puncher. life is getting pretty out of control. i cant wait to go back to kenya.

i cant wait to see the sunset.

a future and a hope, i hope.

have you ever wondered what im afraid of?
me too.
im afraid of missing it. of missing out on what He has planned for my life.
im afraid ill dream too big, and His plans are too small.
im afraid i wont get what i want, and i will be miserable living in a constant state of dissatisfaction and a longing to be somewhere greater, doing something greater.
im afraid that my heart is not His completely, that i dont trust Him completely, and that i am completely selfish.

i watched born into brothels yesterday night. hm.
basically, this girl goes into the red light district in calcutta, india. here, women are forced into prostitution and force their daughters into prostitution to get money. so, this chick goes in there and basically offers these kids an education (primarily a photography class) and tries to get them into boarding schools to get out of the brothels. turns out, almost all the kids either decline or drop out of the school that they got accepted to.
you know what i learned through this documentary? nothing, literally, nothing is apart from Christ. nothing worthy exists, humans are able to accomplish nothing, become nothing, feel nothing, see nothing. it is all His eyes and His heart and His purpose and the fact that He cared at all.
that being said, i am nothing apart from Christ. i am able to accomplish nothing. i am not the savior. i am not the one that changes people and gives them new life. i provide no hope, no freedom, no life. i myself, am in desperate need of saving.
ergo, i have no life apart from what He offers me.
but, i hope to God that He offers me what i want. which is to be poor, to be homeless, to not be a visitor, but to become one who has nothing. just for the sake of having nothing and gaining everything. for the sake of unity, and understanding. i hope to move to calcutta, to kibera. i hope to live there and be accepted or rejected. but i hope to bring Love, to find Love, to become the manifestation of Love wherever i am.
i sure hope thats what He has in store for me. instead of these white picket fences and marriage and children and houses with porches and chairs and colleges with doors that are entirely too large. i dont want that. and i hope He doesnt either.
but either way, im supposed to be completely content right? right.
i dont really get it.
but, i wont worry about tomorrow. today has enough evil of its own.