have you ever wondered what im afraid of?
me too.
im afraid of missing it. of missing out on what He has planned for my life.
im afraid ill dream too big, and His plans are too small.
im afraid i wont get what i want, and i will be miserable living in a constant state of dissatisfaction and a longing to be somewhere greater, doing something greater.
im afraid that my heart is not His completely, that i dont trust Him completely, and that i am completely selfish.
i watched born into brothels yesterday night. hm.
basically, this girl goes into the red light district in calcutta, india. here, women are forced into prostitution and force their daughters into prostitution to get money. so, this chick goes in there and basically offers these kids an education (primarily a photography class) and tries to get them into boarding schools to get out of the brothels. turns out, almost all the kids either decline or drop out of the school that they got accepted to.
you know what i learned through this documentary? nothing, literally, nothing is apart from Christ. nothing worthy exists, humans are able to accomplish nothing, become nothing, feel nothing, see nothing. it is all His eyes and His heart and His purpose and the fact that He cared at all.
that being said, i am nothing apart from Christ. i am able to accomplish nothing. i am not the savior. i am not the one that changes people and gives them new life. i provide no hope, no freedom, no life. i myself, am in desperate need of saving.
ergo, i have no life apart from what He offers me.
but, i hope to God that He offers me what i want. which is to be poor, to be homeless, to not be a visitor, but to become one who has nothing. just for the sake of having nothing and gaining everything. for the sake of unity, and understanding. i hope to move to calcutta, to kibera. i hope to live there and be accepted or rejected. but i hope to bring Love, to find Love, to become the manifestation of Love wherever i am.
i sure hope thats what He has in store for me. instead of these white picket fences and marriage and children and houses with porches and chairs and colleges with doors that are entirely too large. i dont want that. and i hope He doesnt either.
but either way, im supposed to be completely content right? right.
i dont really get it.
but, i wont worry about tomorrow. today has enough evil of its own.
1st corinthians 2:9
ReplyDeleteHowever, as it is written:
"No eye has seen,
no ear has heard,
no mind has conceived
what God has prepared for those who love him"
i don't know if this verse is speaking of heaven. but truly, i think we put Jesus in a box way more than we even think. don't be afraid to give your whole heart to Him. He is wild, so very, very different from us. never what we expect. praying for you as you search and pray and wait and hope and get frustrated... He is always going to be right there with you, and He's got you now. your life is His, and He isn't a god of leftovers, He is overflowing and generous and extravagant.
you know all of this... i don't mean to be annoying...
I'll follow up on T's input. Vss. 6-16 are neat!!! It speaks of how the wisdom of God and His kingdom is unlike anything the world is used to. Every bit of Christ's life and teachings were radical and unconventional to the world. Christ's peers had no idea what or who was in their life at the time; "for if they had understood it they would not have crucified the Lord of glory," as verse 8 reads. We don't quite understand yet, either. We must trust our Father exclusively to discipline us, guiding and revealing this life-giving mentality for His and our good- however that may come about. ALL THAT WE MUST DO IS CONSTANTLY GIVE OUR EMPTY SELVES FOR HIS [LITERAL] DISPOSAL AND know THAT HE IS CREATOR/PROVIDER/FATHER/(particularly) LORD.
ReplyDelete