בעלי

i have been reading hosea. and He has been speaking loud and clear.

basically, today, i read hosea 1 & 2. God tells hosea to go and find a woman who he knows will be unfaithful to him, and marry her. this is supposed to paint a picture of how israel is unfaithful to Himself. for whatever reason, hosea readily complies. this woman's name is gomer. they have some kids, she remains unfaithful, and the Lord restores, per usual. but here's the point.
i am gomer, and He is hosea.
its easy to think of myself as adulterous back in the day whenever i was blatantly turning my back on Him and sprinting the other direction, but its hard to see myself in that light when i am actively pursuing Him. until i think about my sin as it is. i am no better than i was. i am no better than the man on death row. i am no better than anyone that ever existed. anyway.

first, God blocks the paths to her other "lovers" (or idols). He says "she will seek them, but she will not find them". He creates in her a God-shaped hole that cannot be filled by any one or anything else. then, she returns back to Him. He says "she didnt even know that i was the One who gave her all the things she was seeking in the first place." in Gomers case, this was bread, wine, and oil. in my case, this is worth, identity, fulfillment.

second, the Lord removes what He has given her from the beginning and punishes her "for going after her other lovers, and forgetting about Me." i love that He allows Himself to be vulnerable to us.

third, (my favorite) He woo's her! He entices, seduces, allures her. He brings her into the wilderness (used to represent a brighter time in the marriage) and "speaks tenderly" to her. have you ever heard Him speak tenderly to you? it may just be the most beautiful sound youll ever hear.

all this just so that "she answers Me like she did when all was well, and she loved Me." it's not like God didn't know she would remain unfaithful and stray from Him again. He was well-aware. but, its worth it to Him to have her full attention and loyalty and affection just for those few moments or years or however long.

"and in that day, you will call me, 'my Husband'".
i read this and started bawling. it's like He forgets everything she's ever done. He not only forgives, but literally forgets every time ive turned my back on Him. He is only present in the here and now, when i am fully His.
its like in the notebook when the husband reads to his wife who has alzheimers for months on end, just so that she might remember him when the story's over.
to God, those few moments are worth the lifetime of work it took Him to get me where i am. this understanding overcame me.

(on that note, i decided on my first tattoo im getting)

"and I will betroth you forever." this means He will pay the price to call her His own, forever. He says the price He must pay is righteousness, justice, steadfast love, mercy, and faithfulness. do you see? everything she lacks, He has. everything she is not, He is. He makes up for her flaws, and makes her beautiful.

i think the reason this passage speaks to my heart the way it does is because ive (almost) known this kind of love and devotion before. for the past few months, ive been wondering why He allowed me to go through that love & loss in the first place. and now i see it. i heard Him say,

"abby, I can love you better. I can love you more. I can be more. I can replace him."

that blew me away.
the past 3 years of my life made sense all of the sudden.

and to conclude, "AND YOU SHALL KNOW THE LORD."
not only is He my Provider, Protector, Abba, and Savior.
He is my Lover. my Husband.
He makes me heart race. He makes me giddy. He makes me laugh. He makes me smile.
He is my Husband.



...and now you know why im getting that tattoo.