Trust Me.

So I've been holding onto my old sins so tightly that my knuckles turn white, thinking that they are serving some purpose in my life, instead of letting God totally destroy & rebuild them. I've convinced myself that my own shame and self-condemnation is the only thing that will keep me obedient to God. In reality, maybe it has helped to keep me from going further than I otherwise would have, but it definitely doesn't keep me at Christ's feet in any way. I wonder if anyone can relate. Anyway, today, God told me this, and I have an inclination that maybe someone else needs to hear this too: "Abby, you are clay in My hands. I'm going to make you into something beautiful, but I need you to work with Me. I'm never going to force you into anything, I will wait for your cooperation. Don't give up before we get started. Don't tell me it's useless. Don't follow the stubborness of your own heart anymore, love. Trust Me with your past, your hurts, your sins. Even with those things that you have kept hidden for so long, those things you think unbearably shameful. I know it hurts to touch them, and I know you want to hide them but I've gotta bring them into the light so we can look at them together. My heart is to heal you. You've gotta trust me. I'm not gonna hurt you and just leave you that way, sweet girl. Remember that I am gentle and compassionate, that I care for you more than you care for yourself. I'm the One that put you together, that brought you here in the first place, that carried you across the world and back. When you feel yourself shutting down, when you feel your hands tightening and your mind resorting to that old way of thinking- look up, into My face. I will help you. I am the Christ, the Savior, the only One who knows your deepest self, your deepest hurts and fears and needs. Trust Me with your heart, sweet girl. Take My hand, this will bring us closer together. It will be hard work, but I am with you, and it will be worth it. Trust Me."

There's something special

about the way cold water feels on your feet. Do you know what I mean? It's like all day long we go around our business, not fully aware of where we are or what we are doing. At least I do, anyway. I get lost in my own mind. My thoughts seem to take up all my energy and consciousness. It's exhausting and it's hard to relate to people or really listen or show compassion whenever I get that way. It's like I want to have everything figured out and compartmentalized. I want to know where I'm at in my faith, in my relationships, with jobs.. the list goes on. It's exhausting because I never have it figured out, I never get there. I can't pin point where I am exactly and I can't ever find the right words to encapsulate my thoughts or emotions or ideas. So they just float around aimlessly and untamed in the expanse that is my mind. I get lost trying to find a proper label for them, find a place for them to stay put. But then, the icy water touches my toes. And it demands my full attention. It calls out to me, "you are here, now". The water is completely unaffected and unmoved by my world, by my thoughts. It is consistent, it always feels the same. It always has the same effect on me. Rivers are steady. They're demanding. They remind me that life does indeed go on. That life consists of more than just me and my own experiences. That other things are happening, and that I need to be a part of those things. The icy shock of the water tells me to wake up and come back and join the rest of the world now. There's also something special about friends who just get you. Hopefully you know what I mean. Where you can have conversations about nothing, conversations that go in circles and no one is bothered. Friends that will tell you when you have something in your teeth. Friends that you don't have to host or entertain. My favorite are the friends that aren't afraid of my walls, of my insecurities and fears. The kind that, when faced with all of my different walls that I hide behind, aren't intimidated. Not afraid or offended or shocked. They simply peek their head over and give me a simple "how you doin down there?". Those are the best, because it makes me feel like I'm not so impenetrable and isolated after all. There's something very special about the Fatherly love of God. Just speaking about it, thinking about it, hearing about it nearly always brings me to tears. I can't tell if it's in a good way or a bad way. When I hear things like "God loves you in spite of everything you do or don't do".. I almost feel like my heart breaks. It breaks in the way that you hear an old lover say they never stopped loving you and everything can be the same again. It's that same ache of wanting so desperately to believe it but simply knowing that can't be true. It's the same hurt inside of me. I want so desperately for this Good News to be true, that He is so enthralled by me for no good reason and nothing will ever change that. For some reason, it's so hard to believe. Jesus, Paul, and God Himself have all said it over and over and over. Sometimes I get glimpses of it, and when I do.. it's liberating and beautiful and something I want forever. I hope the glimpses get more frequent and deeper. My soul needs that. Bad.

A few things that have struck me as of late.

Well one, I've really been trying to keep up with all that's going on in Sudan & Iraq and many other places around the world regarding Muslim & "Christian" or "western" interaction. Articles like this flood my homepage. As I was very burdened for this and talking to the Lord about it, this scripture surfaced to my consciousness: we do not fight against flesh and blood, but against the spiritual forces of darkness.. I want to remind my fellow believers that it is not, and should not ever be: christians vs. muslims, gays, liberals, ourselves, or anyone else in the world. Why? Because we don't fight against flesh and blood, against other humans. It's not about and never has been about being "right". We fight against the spirit of hatred and division and oppression and lies that infiltrate into every part of our day to day lives and society as a whole. This, this is what we fight against. Not other people. Second thought, a beautiful transaction happened tonight. Walking across zilker park, talking to my brother Jacob, I noticed briefly a flower lying on the grass, and kept walking. But I couldn't get it off my mind- and suddenly I heard "I got that for you!". So, I turned around and walked back a few feet, picking it up. I smile bashfully and thank Jesus. We keep walking and talking, all the while I'm wondering what I'll do with this perfect flower- this gift- and am growing increasingly touched by it as I roll it between my fingers. A few minutes later, we run across a man hunched over in his wheelchair, with the yellow glow of streetlight surrounding him. "That's for him." So I walk over to him, ask his name, and hand him the flower. Freely we've been given, and freely we give. Recently, I've been given many sweet, undeserved gifts. I was reminded today that we never receive gifts of God only to hoard them, but they're always to be shared. All things are sweetest when shared, anyway. Alright, thats all. Bless you.

Do you want to get well?

When Jesus saw the invalid sitting there and learned he had been in this condition for thirty-eight years, He asked him, "do you want to get well?" John 5:6

Jesus has a way of asking really good questions. That man had been in the condition for 38 years. By this time, he very well could have been accustomed to his illness. Laying there, motionless may have become comfortable and familiar to him. He may have gotten used to his identity as "the invalid". I mean, what else has he known for 2 decades? So, it's a question without an obvious answer. He may have grown complacent by this point, as many people do. As I may or may not have done. So, this morning Jesus asked me the same thing: Abby, do you want to get well? This is not an unfamiliar question. It came up in Kenya about a year ago. And I didn't know my answer. When I wake up in the morning, I don't have a strong desire to live that day. To do anything in particular. I don't really get excited or look forward to the rest of my life. At this point, it seems daunting. And most things I do, I do to "get them over with". I get discouraged when I look at the long stretch of time left in front of me. I've had this weight hovering over me for as long as I can remember. Literally. And in light of that, I've gotten used to it. I've gotten to know this feeling- this place that my emotions seem to camp out- very well. And now, Jesus is asking me if I want to know a new kind of normal? What all does this entail, Jesus? Re-learning a new mindset, seeing life through a new pair of glasses.. if I'm not "the invalid" then who on earth am I? If I can't get your- or anyone else's attention with my pain, how will I get it? If I don't have this weight on my shoulders, how will I move? All of these things are very unfamiliar and pretty uncomfortable. Which is the reason that "do you want to get well?" is a very, very good question for most of us. Not just "get well" from illness, but from all things. Do we want to leave our sin, our crap behind us? Do we want to move from a place of darkness to light? As my sweet friend put it this weekend: we know what happens in the darkness, because we've lived there for so long.. but who knows what goes on in the Light. Do we want to know? For me, the answer (over the past year) has become a yes. Not necessarily because I'm looking forward to the unknown, but because of the One who goes with me. If I see my Jesus walking into unfamiliar territory, I'm not going to stay behind and hope He comes back for me.. I'm going to stay right on His heels. Even if that means leaving behind all that I've known and all that I've been.

Come home

"I've been made holy by Christ's sacrifice. Sacrifice for sin is no longer necessary. I don't "owe" Him anything, and He isn't holding anything against me. Jesus is the new & living door opened for me, so that I can enter God's Home- the place God dwells. I am always welcome. And I will come close to my Dad, with my heart sincere, full of faith, and washed of a guilty conscience."

Hebrews 10 What a lovely and inviting picture created in my mind. It's God's front porch. He lives in a cabin out in the woods. A little house swallowed up by the trees surrounding it. The front porch is sizable and made out of wood. Rocking chairs and rugs and dog bowls decorate it and make it feel like somewhere I belong. Warm light seeps out through the screen door and windows- creating a certain glow that draws me in. The door is open. It's welcoming. It's comfortable. It's Home. Not just because I've been here before, not just because of the way it looks or what it signifies- but because of the Man that sits inside. He is waiting for me- I can hear the clinking of silverware as He puts away the dishes. I can hear the kettle boiling as He is about to make my coffee just how I like it. This is Home. With everything inside of me, I want to sit on that old couch and pour out my heart to this Man who knows me so completely. I have so much to say to Him, so much to ask Him about. I want to see what's going on in His world, in His mind. I wanna know what's on His heart. I wanna be close to Him. Oh, that my soul would come- that everything within me would unreservedly come, trust, sit, be, rest, laugh with my Father one more time. But in come the lies, the guilt, the fears and reservations. Standing in between me and that open door is the long list of how I "should" be, what I "should" be doing. The pressure I put on myself to pull it together, to behave differently..no, to be different. To be someone that is good, kind, lovable. I long for my very heart to be different than it is. This pressure is a weight that doesn't allow me to make another move. There are lies that tell me I must apologize first, I must feel bad, I must be "more reverent". I must have a better understanding of who it is I'm talking to or what exactly I'm saying. There are lies that tell me His heart is not kind and He is not for me. There are fears that say, "what if He asks you to do this? or give up this?" I have been looking at this open door for too long- held back and weighed down by all the lies and misconceptions I've been believing. It's time to go Home, now. It's time to come Home.

arriving in uganda.

so, ive been meaning to write on here for quite some time now, i just havent done it. and i cant come up with any good excuses. recently, i had a conversation with a guy who asked why i wasnt blogging. he said was a gift, a blessing to him. and that convinced me that i should start again. so, here goes it.

i really struggled with the decision to come to uganda. in the first week of december, i had a conversation with my old pastor who now lives near entebbe. we talked about my life in the states, what i had been doing, where i had been working, etc. as i explained it him, we both felt like i was trying to shove myself into a hole that wasnt quite shaped for me. he asked if i had ever considered going back to uganda for some time. i had, every day since i came back so unexpectedly in july. it was something i wanted so badly that i didnt really allow myself the freedom to actually consider it. i was afraid that if i realized that the option of returning were dangling in front of me, i would just close my hand on it and not be able to listen to God about it. so, i convinced myself it just wasnt an option. but for the first time, i realized that maybe it was.

immediately following that conversation, i talked to Jesus about it. i begged that His will be done, not mine. that He open and close doors, that He make it clear, that He guide me. i then talked to a plethora of wise people that i knew, and most of them found it to be a good idea. its where i feel i thrive the most, its where i feel connected. maybe coming here would lead to the next step. i hadnt really received any clarity about what vocation i wanted to pursue since i had been back in the States. mostly, the whole idea is that we dont just sit down where we are, refuse to move until we "hear" from God and wait the rest of our lives for something to force us in one direction or the other. in order to follow, we must be moving. so this was just another step.

so, i decided to get a ticket for the second week of january. then, the last week of december i went to colorado with 13 of my closest friends. all of the sudden, i had an overwhelming feeling of fear and doubt and not wanting to go. because i didnt want to be uncomfortable and insecure and vulnerable. being back in africa is a challenge in itself. i liked my friends, i liked my community, i felt like i belong there. this caused a lot of turmoil within me. i had to take it straight to Jesus everytime the thoughts of doubt came into my mind (which was quite often). i had to constantly remind myself that He will lead me, He knows that i want whatever He wants. i had to remind myself of the Gospel and all the things i knew to be true and unchanging in the midst of indecision and confusion.

whenever i returned back home from my trip to colorado, i was completely undecided. one moment, i would be completely convinced i should stay. the next i should go. people were telling me a hundred different things and i didnt know who to listen to.

everytime i talked to God, i asked Him to silence me so that i could hear Him. i asked Him to tell me whether to stay or go. the only consistent response i got, was along the lines of..surrender..trust me...I will lead you..dont freak out. He made it clear that He was more concerned about my heart belonging to Him, and my daily obedience than my location. it began to look more and more like there were two good things in front of me that i was free to choose between. i spent two consecutive days in tears because i put so much pressure on myself to make sure i got it right. i tried to weigh all of the possible outcomes, i kept asking God to help me see the future (although i wouldnt dare word it like that). eventually, everyone (including myself) got so tired of my indecision and how badly i was freaking out, and i just had to choose. i asked God to open doors, and i had a plane ticket already purchased, i had enough money to last for a while, i had a family waiting to host me, i had nothing really holding me back. except fear of the unknown and the uncomfortable.

so, the night before i was to leave for houston, i decided to go. my lovely friend helped me pack, and the next day i left. in houston, my sister showed me an entry from my utmost for his highest that reminded her of me. it was from january 2. it talked about going out without knowing exactly where we are going, and how its a good thing. it causes us to keep our eyes fixed on Christ because everything around us is so unsure. it forces us to a place of surrender, of trusting God. "one of the most difficult questions of Christian work is, 'what do you expect to do?'. you dont know what you are going to do. all you know is that God knows what He is doing...God does not tell us what He is going to do, but He tells us who He is. let the attitude of your life be a continual willingness to "go out" in dependence on God." this was like a confirmation for me, but i know God has a sense of humor because He decided to tell me that after i had made the decision to go. also, i remembered that about 2 weeks earlier i had begged God to make me less self-aware and more Christ-aware. and these circumstances force that to happen, because nothing else really makes sense except for Him. so, i see an answered prayer.
so, i say goodbyes and board the plane. 20 hours later, i arrive in entebbe. my old pastor picks me from the airport, and i stay with him for a few days before coming here to jinja to stay with the lathams.

on arriving at the airport, i realized that i underestimated how afraid i was to be back here again. east africa doesnthave a very 'safe' feel to it. most people stare at me, mumble about me. im constantly advised to hold tightly to my bag and be careful who i trust. memories from my time in kenya flood my mind and i realize i wasnt necessarily prepared for this. but either way, we get to cherish and i am so blessed to find i have a family there. thats one thing i love about the Body of Christ, is that i have a families all over the world, welcoming me in.

the next day, i realize that there is bitterness in my heart from my last trip here that i still struggle with. its hard not to perceive other people as a threat sometimes, its hard not to stereotype and jump to conclusions. i thought that was behind me, but my defensiveness told me otherwise. i realize that i have forgiving to do.

i asked God to encourage me, and a few minutes later, a girl said, "you are good at asking questions." that is something that i have asked God to help me with time and time again. its refreshing to be reminded that God is at work in me, whether i realize it or not. later on that day, a friend from the states says, "God is going to do something special and really cool with you." that was also terribly encouraging, and helped bring about a new anticipation about my life.

so, after saying goodbye to the phillips, i came to the YWAM base in jinja.
"we've been waiting for the second coming!"
"if you were expecting Jesus, im sorry to disappoint." (-:

apparently, theres already a plethora of painting jobs for me to get started on. theres football to play, Lugandan words to be learned, matoke to be eaten, prayers to be prayed. im looking forward to it.
ill try to keep yall up to date.
blessings.