On Rebellion and the Goodness of God

Yesterday, I took a lot of time to write about my struggles. Today, it seems like God has taken the time to write His response. Here's a little bit of what I said yesterday:

"I've found it hard to trust lately. I've found that in a lot of ways, I want to keep Him at arm's length. I've discovered a new fear in me; a fear of Him. I'm afraid that everything that I want, everything relatively satisfying, He is waiting to take away simply because I like said thing. This is because He has always "taken" (or asked me to walk away from) relationships that I wanted to hold onto. This makes me question the goodness of His heart. Not necessarily the goodness, but it makes me question whether He really wants me to enjoy things and life and people. That's just one part of me, though. The other part of me sees the logic behind His ways. The common factor in these relationships has been me. And my tendency to idolize and depend on people. And my inability to be surrendered and balanced and have normal attachments. So, I see that what I perceive to be "good" or "satisfying" isn't really those things at all. If anything, it's destructive in the long run. I know that to be true. So, I know it's not because He doesn't love me. It's because He does love me that He takes these things that I want to hold onto. He is still good. Tell that to my heart, though."

And He did. Today I read from Psalm 107:10-22. His kids rebelled against Him, and as a result, got themselves imprisoned and made their own lives miserable. He allowed this because He wanted them to come to a place where they were desperate enough to cry out to them. And the moment they did, He responded, without missing a beat. His motivation the whole time was His "unfailing Love" and His desire to set them free. In Isaiah 30, he talks again, about how His kids were disobedient and refused to repent or rest or anything of the like. How they were deceitful, oppressive, constantly running away.. and "He longs to be gracious to you; therefore He'll rise up to show you compassion."

Over and over again, I'm seeing His heart through my own rebellion. And I'll tell you what, I know a thing or two about rebellion. I'm really skilled at it. I've done it for years at a time. I know the weight of it, the heaviness. It's made me lose my appetite, given me migraines, intruded on my relationships with God and everyone else. Rebellion and I go way back.

One thing I buy into when I'm in that place is that God is angry with me. That He's one step away from giving up, calling it quits. That He's getting fed up with doing this over and over, because He thought I learned my lesson already.

Another thing I struggle with (see above paragraph), is believing that He isn't good. He just wants to take everything I like simply because I like it and He's mean. He likes to play games. Today, it's like He looked me straight in the face and spoke to that very thing.

"Sweet girl, what on earth would ever lead you to believe that I like seeing you miserable? I hate your pain, I hate seeing you hurt like this and do this to yourself. But I can't just leave you here, not by my side. I've got to bring you home. I know that running away from Me is not what's best for you, even if that's what you think you want at the time. I know that's what's best for you is whenever you listen to Me and do the things I ask of you. I ask these things for the right reasons, My heart towards you is always good, even when I'm disciplining you. It's always out of love, never out of anger or disappointment. I don't like disciplining you, I don't like hurting you. The second you turn around and cry out to Me, I'm there. I'm just waiting to show you My compassion and come take you Home."
And this makes sense to my heart. It's comforted and quieted. He's right.

I felt like I should write this, if there's anyone in a place where they are struggling to see God's love or goodness, where they constantly feel guilty and heavy. Anyone that is either tempted to run away or is running away right now. There is no need for that. Take it from Him and take it from me. He's waiting to be close to you, He doesn't want to see you hurt like this.

Hebrews 12:5-11 "And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says, “My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son." 

Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. 

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. “Make level paths for your feet,” so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed."