i want to be alone.

and thats not a bad thing.
i just don't want to need anyone, to even want anyone. i just want to be okay by myself, and i feel like i'm slowly getting there. i want to be so dependent on God that nothing else and no one else matters to me. i just want to be by myself, and have that be enough.

i just want it to be quiet. im so tired of noise. and christmas lights.

i care alot about my friend who has back problems. He has placed something in my heart for her. and i love her so much, with all i have. i want so desperately to trade her places, i want her to see herself the way i see her. she is beautiful. she has a big heart, and an especially strong spirit. everyone sees that but her. she means a lot to me, and she means so much more to Him. i wish there was something i could do to show her that.

i have a friend, and i spent christmas day with him. it was really, really nice. i enjoy his company, and his face is pleasant to my eyes, his voice is lovely to my ears.

here: http://www.musicbymyfriends.com/kevin.htm

this music inspires and convicts me. it moves me.

i can feel these expectations slipping.

so much has changed. that's okay i guess. i assume things will keep changing or not changing regardless of my opinions of them, so i don't know why i'm typing this.

there's so many things i want to be, and i don't feel like i'm any of them. and instead of being inspiring, it is discouraging. those two are very closely related.

i'll spend every day trying to convince you that you're lovely.

okay, so i took this temperament quiz. and its really long and tedious and thought provoking and well-worded. the results it came up with were crazy detailed and crazy accurate. i think everyone on earth should take this and have it stapled to their forehead. what a great president i would make. anyway.

heres the link to take it, and its so worth it. do it, seriously. here:
http://www.keirsey.com/sorter/register.aspx

i came out as an idealist, which is an NF. and i have no idea what that means but it means something, im sure. theres four types of each temperament, and by process of elimination i have narrowed myself down to two: a counselor or a healer.
i cant decide from there, i dont know myself well enough yet. but heres what they have to say about healers:
"Healers present a calm and serene face to the world, and can seem shy, even distant around others. But inside they're anything but serene, having a capacity for personal caring rarely found in the other types. Healers care deeply about the inner life of a few special persons, or about a favorite cause in the world at large. And their great passion is to heal the conflicts that trouble individuals, or that divide groups, and thus to bring wholeness, or health, to themselves, their loved ones, and their community.
Healers have a profound sense of idealism that comes from a strong personal sense of right and wrong. They conceive of the world as an ethical, honorable place, full of wondrous possibilities and potential goods. In fact, to understand Healers, we must understand that their deep commitment to the positive and the good is almost boundless and selfless, inspiring them to make extraordinary sacrifices for someone or something they believe in. Set off from the rest of humanity by their privacy and scarcity (around one percent of the population), Healers can feel even more isolated in the purity of their idealism.
Also, Healers might well feel a sense of separation because of their often misunderstood childhood. Healers live a fantasy-filled childhood-they are the prince or princess of fairy tales-an attitude which, sadly, is frowned upon, or even punished, by many parents. With parents who want them to get their head out of the clouds, Healers begin to believe they are bad to be so fanciful, so dreamy, and can come to see themselves as ugly ducklings. In truth, they are quite OK just as they are, only different from most others-swans reared in a family of ducks.
At work, Healers are adaptable, welcome new ideas and new information, are patient with complicated situations, but impatient with routine details. Healers are keenly aware of people and their feelings, and relate well with most others. Because of their deep-seated reserve, however, they can work quite happily alone. When making decisions, Healers follow their heart not their head, which means they can make errors of fact, but seldom of feeling. They have a natural interest in scholarly activities and demonstrate, like the other Idealists, a remarkable facility with language. They have a gift for interpreting stories, as well as for creating them, and thus often write in lyric, poetic fashion. Frequently they hear a call to go forth into the world and help others, a call they seem ready to answer, even if they must sacrifice their own comfort."

longest paragraphs ever. but they are really accurate, and its a little bit scary that some guy can put me in a box like that. but then i remembered all my annoying quirks and felt a little bit better, because those are a part of me. and those are the reason im not boxable. so heres to you, panic attacks!

(and heres a link to counselors: http://www.keirsey.com/handler.aspx?s=keirsey&f=fourtemps&tab=3&c=counselor)

carlton gary

precursor: on wednesday, december 16, 2009 at 7 pm carlton gray was executed. he was said to have raped and murdered 7 different elderly women in columbus. this all took place in the 70's if i know what im talking about, but chances are i dont, so you should look it up for yourself. anyway, this completely broke my heart. i spent the larger part of the day crying and praying and asking others to pray.

i said the following to my breath of fresh air this morning:
"i was thinking to myself: i think about Jesus alot. i incorporate Him into my days, and Hes just a really big part of the decisions make.
all of which is, of course, wrong.
we are called to invite Him inside, to become one with Him. that being said, He shouldn't just be a part of my life, He should BE my life. He should BE the reason for everything i do, He shouldn't be what i think about, our thoughts should be one in the same. our hearts should be one in the same. i feel what He feels, and see what He sees (in relation to my view of others), and be who He is.
this is why i felt so deeply about carlton gray, the serial killer. because for some reason, i saw him, of all people, through Gods eyes. he was not a serial killer, a rapist, rather His creation, His child even (words WE came up with). he was a human being like i am, and if i could, would trade places with him. to give him another chance.
and we should view everything like this."

now:
1. thank you for provoking this conversation.
2. i feel this way about the one who hurt me most, also. i dont tell people because they think that theres some sort of misplaced psychological attachment there. but, thats not the case. i just love him the way Christ loves him, the way we are called to love ALL people. and just because he hurt me, maybe even ruined my life, doesnt make him any less of a person.
3. and on that note, i have realized another thing. whenever that happened to me, i was so hurt, and the wound was so big. i realized we hurt God in the same way. of course, not the EXACT same way, but it is the same concept. we took something beautiful and innocent and perfect that He created, and we ruined and distorted and manipulated it. we made it disgusting and ugly, when we stole it from Him. and that hurts so bad, i know it does. and heres the beautiful part: even after all that pain, He still loves us, He still gave us everything. literally, everything He had. we treat Him like a partial God, that He gives us 'just enough to survive'. show me scripture that supports that blasphemous idea? no! He gave us absolutely everything we could ever need, and then some. what a slap in the face to think otherwise. anyway, if He forgave us, for hurting Him so deeply, who are we not to forgive others. and i will take it a step further, and say love others. this is why i love him, regardless of the things he has done.
4. dont even get me started on capital punishment. if you really want to know, ask. maybe more to come, later on. way later on.

and He spoke.

someone said something to me today that meant alot. a whole lot.

"and i saw the passion, like literal fire blazing in your eyes like a portal to your heart. and i liked that. so your first impression made me like you."
"well, you know when someone is interested in something their entire body language and posture and speech changes when they talk about it? well theres only a few people i know that you can actually see a change in their eyes, they are so filled with passion and i see that with you."
"there are certain people whos eyes show how they're feeling, some more so than others. and when they speak with passion you can basically see the fire in their heart. its something else for sure."
(when asked what i am passionate about)
"not necessarily missions, but serving. helping exhortation of the highest sort. you want to tap into peoples hearts and make them happy. and by showing them joy and love, you do that. its wonderful to see."

okay so, a lot of people struggle with worrying about what others will say about them when they die. i'm not really one of those people, because people always say good things about dead people, mostly because they are dead. so even if there was nothing good to be said about me, someone would pull something out of their butt to write in my obituary.
but here's the thing, i am still alive. theres no reason to make anything up at this point. and this guy thinks all this is true..about me.
i'm flabbergasted.
i love God. i love God's people. i love the downtrodden and weary and abused and lower class and deprived. i love them with all of me. but, i didn't know this was obvious.
i've been so consumed with self-doubt and self-hatred that i ignore this desire and this passion. essentially, its selfishness.
and maybe, maybe this guy is onto something. maybe i am a little bit good on the inside.

and ive been waiting to hear from God. waiting for Him to reveal Himself, reveal something, anything really, to me. and maybe this is it.
maybe He's saying that there is a little bit of Him inside of me, and that i need to nurture it. i need to feed it, and watch it grow. i need to cultivate that love, passion, desire inside of me. i need to let God grow inside of me.
because what this guy has made clear to me, is that there is God inside of me.

how wonderful. yes.

enough.

why cant His love be enough? why cant my fulfillment come from Him? it hasnt been coming from anywhere lately, which explains how empty i feel.
but sometimes i wonder if its real, if this all isnt a figment of my imagination. thats only sometimes, though. other times i know nothing else is true except for Him.
but still, where is He now?
where have i gone?

come to me.

it's not that i haven't had anything to say, i just haven't wanted to say it.

i promised myself i wouldn't never delete something i've written, so i won't. i just ask that if you've read my last post, dismiss it. and if you haven't ignore it.
Christ has brought me out of that place of desperation, at least for now.
and He has used some amazing people to do it. to name a few, taylor, cara, xander, gage, kristen, landon. all of which have been there when i needed them. thank you doesn't cut it.
but, God is faithful. He never left me or abandoned me. He was there the whole time, and He allowed me to feel that pain for a reason. He has been either numbing or healing me lately, i don't know which.

on a different note, i made a new friend. he doesn't wear socks with his toms, and hates christmas lights just as much as i do. glorious. he's been through what seems like a lot, but is very content, and very at peace. this is something i admire. long story short, we hung out for a long time. and i had such a nice time, it was a breath of fresh air. i think God knew i needed that. i think He did that on purpose. clever guy, He is.
oh another thing: he has an amazing voice. and when i say amazing, i mean moving. his music moved me. it made me want to pursue God, and find God, and love God, and love people. it made me feel like maybe there was some good left somewhere, and i wanted to find it.
i really enjoy my new friend and his glorious voice and his lengthy legs.
i hope we stay friends.



yes, i sure do.

patheticism.

today has been especially tough. things shouldn't work this way.
I saw you, and you ignored me until I threatened to key your car. not even then would you make eye contact with me. because I am
no longer a human being to you, you no longer value me. now, I'm the devil. all I am to you is the epitamy of lies and heartache and hurt. forget all I've done right. forget the scrapbook and all the times I made you dinner, drove 45 minutes to make you pancakes and watch you work out. forget all the sweet nothings. because all that matters now is how selfish and decietful I am.
forget the fact that I sacrificed countless potential romantic relationships. forget that I sacrificed all my friendships for you. forget that I never kissed anyone else. none of that is relevant. what is relevant is almost a year ago, i had a connection with a guy. forget that I never pursued him, forget all his calls that I ignored, forget that I threw everything down the drain for you. all that matters is that I failed to mention that we occupied the same sleeping bag for ten minutes. I must deserve to go to hell for this, if I am no longer worthy of your eye contact or phone calls.
but don't worry, I understand. I understand that you never understood, never cared to listen.
you hold fast to your anger because that's the only thing you know. that's the only thing that will take you where you want to go, which is away from me. and if that's what you need to do, hate me, then sobeit. I just feel sorry for whoever the next girl you kiss. because whenever you touch her lips, you'll think of mine. and all of a sudden she won't matter anymore to you, because you know what you are trying to create will never amount to what we had.

don't believe me?
look at the scrapbook.
you believe me now.

for cara.

church tonight was interesting. i went to the austin stone. the guy talked about Christmas. not only is it the celebration of Jesus' birthday, its the day when God came to us. all other religions in the world, every last one, is based on the idea of us pursuing and chasing god. except for christianity, where He continuously and relentlessly pursues and loves us. how wonderful.
i mean honestly, what in the world would make Him want me? what would cause Him to desire and love me?
it must be because of what's inside. i must be beautiful. because i am His creation, and He makes everything glorious. if He made me, which He did, then i am beautiful.
the same is true of you. there is something deep inside of you that causes Him to so greatly desire you. He created you the way He did for a purpose, He created a yearning in each and every one of our hearts for something greater. something greater than this world, greater than ourselves. most people spend a lifetime ignoring this desire, or misinterpreting it. but the Truth is, that this is one thing that can not go on overlooked; the beauty within every one of us that causes Him, to pursue us.

my goal in taking photos is to capture what that is, to each individual, with every tree. He created everything in a beautiful way. He has infused every single one of us with beauty, and my goal is to capture it.

the way things used to be.

i miss this. the way things used to be. the fun we used to have, the things you used to say to me, the way you looked at me, those short kisses and long kisses, the little fights and the huge fights. i miss it all. i miss you.

the potthoffs.

this is my sister, ruth, and her lovely family.
she is beautiful inside and out. she has the biggest, most compassionate, heart i've ever known. she has so much love to give, which is probably the reason she makes such a good mom. she's so weird, laughs at the dumbest things.
mike, her husband, is weird too. he still makes fun of me for my 6th grade year. i used to hate him, but i like him now. he watches football alot, and has a humble heart for God.
there isn't much to say about joshua. he's little, doesn't do much besides cry, eat, poop, and sleep. i like him best when he sleeps.

the ramsdells.

i love my aunt, her daughter, and her daughter's daughter and son.
this whole family is ridiculously photogenic, and full of life.

i'm going to start blogging again.

maybe. i will try anyway.
things are so different now. i don't necessarily like it.
i didn't used to stay up late. i don't like the way things are. i'm not as in touch with who i am or what i believe. he kept me accountable to that, and now that he's gone, i'm a little bit gone too. and that makes it hard.

i'm sure you'll be hearing more from me later.