and He spoke.

someone said something to me today that meant alot. a whole lot.

"and i saw the passion, like literal fire blazing in your eyes like a portal to your heart. and i liked that. so your first impression made me like you."
"well, you know when someone is interested in something their entire body language and posture and speech changes when they talk about it? well theres only a few people i know that you can actually see a change in their eyes, they are so filled with passion and i see that with you."
"there are certain people whos eyes show how they're feeling, some more so than others. and when they speak with passion you can basically see the fire in their heart. its something else for sure."
(when asked what i am passionate about)
"not necessarily missions, but serving. helping exhortation of the highest sort. you want to tap into peoples hearts and make them happy. and by showing them joy and love, you do that. its wonderful to see."

okay so, a lot of people struggle with worrying about what others will say about them when they die. i'm not really one of those people, because people always say good things about dead people, mostly because they are dead. so even if there was nothing good to be said about me, someone would pull something out of their butt to write in my obituary.
but here's the thing, i am still alive. theres no reason to make anything up at this point. and this guy thinks all this is true..about me.
i'm flabbergasted.
i love God. i love God's people. i love the downtrodden and weary and abused and lower class and deprived. i love them with all of me. but, i didn't know this was obvious.
i've been so consumed with self-doubt and self-hatred that i ignore this desire and this passion. essentially, its selfishness.
and maybe, maybe this guy is onto something. maybe i am a little bit good on the inside.

and ive been waiting to hear from God. waiting for Him to reveal Himself, reveal something, anything really, to me. and maybe this is it.
maybe He's saying that there is a little bit of Him inside of me, and that i need to nurture it. i need to feed it, and watch it grow. i need to cultivate that love, passion, desire inside of me. i need to let God grow inside of me.
because what this guy has made clear to me, is that there is God inside of me.

how wonderful. yes.