she's mine, she's mine, she's mine

it all began with..
do You really forgive me? can Your grace reach so far as to meet me here, where i am, covered in sin and filth? can i be forgiven after i blatently told You that Your creation was better than You are, more fulfilling? am i really clean right now? is Your word really living & active, can it pierce between bone and marrow, breaking down all the walls ive built up against You? does Jesus plead my case? do i even know who You really are to me? not from other peoples impressions of You. not my parents God, my friends God, matt carters God, but my God? can our relationship really not be affected by anyone else or anything else?

then He pointed me to..
already you are clean by the Word ive spoken to you. (john 15:3) the one who has bathed doesnt need to wash, except for his feet, but is completely clean. if I do not wash you, then you dont belong to Me. (john 13:8)

this begged the question(s)..
so, i have been cleaned once and for all by His blood? but how do i know that im clean? what does it mean to be cleansed daily?

then my prayer became..
create in me a clean heart, God. and renew a right spirit within me. dont cast me away from Your presence, dont take away Your Holy Spirit from me. restore me to the joy of my salvation, uphold me with a willing spirit. wash me thoroughly from my sin, erase my transgessions completely! i want to be blameless in Your judgement. purge me, and ill be clean. let the bones that You have broken rejoice. hide Your face from my sin. the sacrifices You desire are a broken spirit and contrite heart. i know that You dont despise that, You actually delight in it. (psalm 51)

and that led me to..
let us draw near, with a true heart thats sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed pure with water. (hebrews 10:22) since God said, "I will be your God and you will be My people", let us cleanse ourselves from every defilement of body & spirit, bringing holiness to completion. (2 cor 7:1)resist the devil, and he will flee from you. draw near to God, and He will draw near to you. cleanse your hands and purify your hearts, you double-minded sinners. (james 4:8)

and that made me wonder..
how do we cleanse ourselves? whats the difference between the cleansing we do ourselves and the cleansing Christ does in us?

and then i read..
the Holy Spirit cleanses our hearts by faith. (acts 15:8) Christ loved the Church, and gave Himself up for her, that He might sanctify her, cleansing her by the washing of the water with the Word, that He might present her to Himself without blemish. (eph 5:26)

with brought me to the conclusion(s)..
we are cleansed in response to God calling us to be His people.
cleansing results in the completion of holiness, and wisdom.
we are cleansed by His Word.
i am cleansed by my faith in Christ, thats my assurance.
the reason why Christ washes us so that His bride is beautiful when she's presented to Him.
the cleansing we do is putting out of our lives every kind of evil, resisting the devil, and spending time in His Word.
He does the rest.

and then out of nowhere, hebrews 7 comes up..
if perfection was attainable by the law, Jesus wouldnt be necessary, since Jesus is our high priest, the old law is abolished and a new law of freedom is set in place. a better hope is introduced, through which we draw near to God. He is able to save completely, forever those who draw near to God, since He always lives to make intercession for them. He is holy, innocent, unstained, seperate from sinners, exalted above the heavens. theres no need for daily sacrifices- He did this once and for all. not only does He offer sacrifices for people, He is the sacrifice. He gave up His own Son for us, why would He not graciously give us all things? it is God who justifies. Christ is at the right hand of God, interceding for us. He effectively intervenes. (romans 8:31)

and so i felt like..
im not going to be good enough on my own. Christ's death would be meaningless if it werent for moments like this whenever weakness and sin overwhelms me. He came- He is here- to set me free from this guilt and shame.

and it ended with..
how beautiful a sound to hear Christ pleading my case, even when i am actively running the other direction. oh, i want to hear the things He says with my own ears. what possibly could He be saying? what else could i give except all of myself? this broken self still isnt enough to repay You half of what Youve given me.
when standing before God, the only plea i have is Jesus, i point to Him, i utter His Name and i am completely forgiven. completely, forever. saved from all that i deserve, given all that i do not. is there more beautiful a name, than Jesus? my only plea, my only hope, my only anchor. all that i have to stand on, hide under, run to, kneel before. my precious Savior. by the name of Jesus- i really am pardoned. not only pardoned, but forgiven. not only forgiven, but also set free.

oh, let me feel the weight of freedom.

i dont have to run anymore because of the words He speaks so boldly to the Father moment by moment:
she's mine. she's mine.
because of these words, i can speak so boldly back:
i'm Yours. i am Yours.

i cried out to the Lord, and He answered me. (psalm 120)

a God without an expiration date.

sometimes i buy into the lie that something- or someone- other than Christ can satisfy me. what a disgusting thought.
everything else fails. everyone else fails. people get bored and leave, or get tired of hearing the same things over and over again. people break their promises. flowers wither, and flames run out. food has an expiration date. even some relationships have an expiration date. most do, actually.
but our God, our God- He lasts forever. He doesnt wither, He doesnt fade, He has never let me down, or walked away from me. He has never been unfaithful, He has never turned his back, been uninterested, or had something better to do. God doesnt "get to know" me, He knows more no more or less than He did on the day i was born- or the day He created the world. the world is no less young than it was when He breathed life into it. He will never love me more, or less than He does in this moment. His love doesnt depend on my reaction or lack there of. it isnt hindered by His selfish desires, it isnt tamed by my religious jargon or close-minded attitude. His love is unchanging. almost like its steadfast or something?

the steadfast love of the Lord endures.
you can say that again.

i have always full-heartedly believed that I was created solely to worship Him, to give Him glory- to know and love and obey Him. i know that i don't have a God-shaped hole in me- that only could be filled by Him. i used to believe that when i was younger. but now i know that i am a God shaped hole. no aspect of my life has meaning or substance without Him. nothing is worth doing if it is not with Him, or for Him. air is useless if not breathed in His name.
so why then, do i walk away? why am i prone to wander?
Christ alone can satisfy, and i know that firsthand. primarily because He is my only option.
i hate that i can testify more to the fact that i know that the world cant satisfy me than knowing that Christ does.
i want to know His satisfaction. i want to feel it in my gut. i want to walk in it, breathe it in. i bet that the more that happens, the less i will turn to things that don't satisfy.

"if you will only love Me, you will do what i say."
the first step isnt obedience. love draws us to obedience.
the first step isnt 'getting rid' of my sin, its being satisfied in Him.
right?

not today.

what if we took verses like these seriously?

"all who desire to live a Godly life in Christ WILL BE PERSECUTED" 2 tim 3:12
"then Jesus will say to those on his left, 'depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. for I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.'" matt 25:40-41

we are representing Christ. why cant we understand that?

we value safety and security so much in america. we refuse to risk it, to let our children risk it. its not safe to approach a poor man on the street, a thirsty man asking for water, a demon-possessed man, a stranger. so what do we do? we walk right on by, risking nothing. when that man is Jesus. is Jesus then, not safe? because His clothes are dirty, and He doesnt have a home?

more to come.

the Feast

Come now and join the feast,
from the greatest to the very least,
come now and join the feast,
right here in the belly of the beast.

Cops and soldiers you can come too,
just lay down your guns and come on through.

Rich people get rid of your stuff,
and poor people there will be enough.

Mighty ones come down from your thrones,
and little ones you will not be alone.

Come now and join the feast,
from the greatest to the very least,
come now and join the feast,
right here in the belly of the beast.

Lazy man come to the table,
and make some room for those who ain't able.

Pretty winners swallow your pride,
drink the ugly loser who for all died.

Make sure everyone has some,
and then we'll see the the Kingdom...

be salty.

it is not up to my discretion where i live, it is Christs decision. its not up to me who i talk to today, its His call. this dollar is not my own, it is His and His alone.
i died the moment i told Him i 'accepted' Him. the moment i gave Him my life, i gave Him all my dreams and aspirations and desires and fears and the way i do things.
these days, there is an issue with people coming to 'know' Christ, but not counting the cost of discipleship. i wonder if at those huge rallies or conferences, when people rush forward at the altar call, if Jesus is standing there, screaming at them to take a second, and count the cost.
i definitely didnt know the cost. i didnt know that i would have to wake up every morning and die, that i would have to renounce everything. it wasnt until 2 weeks ago i took those words in luke 14 seriously. and its realy discontenting, humbling, and convicting.
i can lay down all of my material possessions with more ease than most people, but my personality is harder for me to surrender. ive spent 17 years cultivating this person i want to be, how i want to act, who i want to be. but, like i said, im dead. it really isnt that abby that lives anymore. it is only Christ. the same Jesus that walked 2000 years ago, still alive in me today.
i hope this realization makes its way from my head to my heart, soon and very soon. then it will produce a change that puts a smile on His face.

http://www.brookhills.org/media/series/radical/

Luke 14:25-34
Large crowds were traveling with Jesus, and turning to them he said: "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple. And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple. Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Will he not first sit down and estimate the cost to see if he has enough money to complete it? For if he lays the foundation and is not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule him, saying, 'This fellow began to build and was not able to finish. Or suppose a king is about to go to war against another king. Will he not first sit down and consider whether he is able with ten thousand men to oppose the one coming against him with twenty thousand? If he is not able, he will send a delegation while the other is still a long way off and will ask for terms of peace. 33In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple. Salt is good, but if it loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is fit neither for the soil nor for the manure pile; it is thrown out.
"He who has ears to hear, let him hear."

sometimes i am amazed that i am alive.

and unfortunately, sometimes i wonder if i really am.

Abba, wake me up. bring me to life.

something about the last few days is really beautiful. i like where this is going.

mvulana amevaa jeusi.

my writing usually isnt very quality if it has a positive vibe to it. but i dont care right now.
i have a friend, and he wants to go into the military and be a ranger officer, if thats even what theyre called. for the longest time i wrote him off because he wore all black and never smiled unless he was laughing at other people's ignorance. long story short, now we hate eachother a little less. but the point is, he wants to join the military. seeing as he is my good friend, and i know and trust that He is wholeheartedly seeking the Lord and His will for his life, this causes some issues not only between us, but within my own mind. he has caused me to question my beliefs and opinions, which we all know i hold so dearly.
so, we talk. once. just about nothing of relevance, really. our lives, or lack there of. end with no conclusion. but it was good, nonetheless.
next, we talk again. i ask him questions like, so who do you decide is worth killing? does God value one life over another? what is a good reason for justifying taking another mans life into your own hands? what is it that you are really defending? your faith, your country, your God? im pretty sure He can hold His own. what about turning the other cheek, and sacrificing your very life? what about loving your enemies?
but on the contrary, what if we didnt have the freedom of religion? what if this country wasnt free to worship God in public or in private? what if no one ever fought for their freedom or for another persons well-being, even for justice? well, evil would rule the world even more than it does now, i suppose. that begs the question, what are you really fighting? flesh & blood or the spirits of darkness? how do you battle the spirits of darkness with a gun and some bullets?
how do you expect to kill someone's grandfather, then me to come in to them and try to show and tell them about the Love of Christ? how would they take that, you have discredited all work i could do.
as you can see, it goes back and forth. the only conclusion i have come to in my own mind, is that we live in a fallen world. ideally, there would be no war, but there is. i know that all humans are equal in the eyes of the Lord, He loves all fiercely and impartially, He gives all a chance of eternal life with Him. He doesn't pick and choose, He offers Himself to all.


wow im just getting really overwhelmed trying to sort this out in my brain. i dont think it will happen. i may or may not finish this later.

can i be honest?

well honestly, i want someone to walk through the forest with me with a film camera over their shoulder. i want to be with this person and feel like ive escaped. i want to talk about things like devendra banharts beard and yerba mate. i want this person to understand me, like really understand me. i want this person to make me more like who i want to be.
i hope Jesus would walk through the woods with me shoeless, not saying a word the whole time.
i want someone who understands why i enjoy talking to a dragonfly for 30 minutes, and who laughs at things i think are funny. i want someone who is different from the rest of everyone. i want to be the only one who really knows this person. i want them to love raja the way i do.
i want them to be balanced. i want them to hate roses and diamonds and cats like i do. i want them to widdle me a ring. i want them to wear flannel way too much and play the cello. i want them to be creative, to make me creative. i want them to want me to do different things and be an artist and get out of my comfort zone. i want them to stretch me and grow me and cultivate me and change me and break me and put me back together again. i dont want them to ever say anything they dont mean, but i dont want them to have a reason for everything they do. i want to be their harmony. i want someone who doesnt worry. i want someone who thinks in patterns and cycles, but doesnt think about the way they think. i want someone who collects leaves like i do, and i want someone to lift me onto the tree branch and push me off when i need it. i want someone who cares about bugs the way i do. i want someone who would rather see the sunrise.

i want someone who is my home.
i want someone to get lost with.
i want someone who probably doesnt even exist.

these days.

i dont think i am who i want to be. i think i want to be something im not. i think too much and dont do enough. i do too much without thinking.
i hate when i say things that dont make a difference. i hate words that dont do anything to change the world one bit.
my dad says wisdom is just keeping your eyes open. learning from your own mistakes, learning from others mistakes. unfortunately, this is a challenge for me. its hard to stay awake sometimes, when theres nothing worth experiencing.
the Lord disciplines those He loves. He disciplines His children. and He has been disciplining me a lot lately. removing the feeling that kept me going, to show me that the feeling is what kept me going. making me walk by faith, not by sight.
by giving me friends that say things that id rather not hear, to show me that my pride is what covers my ears and eyes. i keep asking for humility, and He is faithful. thats for sure. He has been breaking my pride and crushing everything i thought i knew about Him.

i think i live like i eat. i think like i eat.
i go through phases of specific food. right now my diet consists of yogurt, berries, hummus, spinach dip, guacamole, mangoes, pesto pasta. thats literally it. next month, i wont want anything to do with those food items ever again.
as of late, ive noticed i develop cycles like that in my mind.
for instance, "God is a God of order". someone plants that idea in my mind, and i sit with it. i sit with this small clay ball in my lap, this thought. then, i think and i pray and i ponder and i forget and i remember and i keep thinking and eventually, i come to a conclusion about my "God is a God of order" clay ball, and i add some clay, and make it circular. then, i realize that conclusion is wrong, so i break it off and start over, adding another right conclusion. and so on and so forth. but anyway, i feel like my mind is full of the same floating ideas, just occasionally making their way to the front, to take their turn at my conciousness. then, they disappear again.

having said that, thats all i have to say about that. i dont mind it. i dont really like it. it is what it is.

but anyway, i spent the weekend camping. my father told me, "growing old is inevitable, growing up is optional". wisdom and maturity is the current clay ball that im cultivating.
proverbs 3 He says that "by wisdom the LORD laid the earth's foundations,by understanding he set the heavens in place;by his knowledge the deeps were divided, and the clouds let drop the dew"
so in essence, wisdom is the very structure of all creation. if we go against wisdom, and live foolish and misguided lives, we will not live in harmony with creation, or its Creator.
all this to say, apparently wisdom is really important. and i never really grasped that. i still dont now, but atleast i know that its something to be grasped right?

i feel like im standing at not only a crossroads, but in the middle of a forest. with really overwhelming trees that are entirely too large to comprehend. and its beautiful, but im wandering. and we all know that not all who wander are lost. im excited about moving, about going somewhere and walking barefoot over trees and falling down and scraping my knees and running into the proverbial spider webs of life. im excited to live. but right now, im laying down on the leaves, looking up, trying to understand the sunshine and why ants never stop moving. im ready to sit up, and start going somewhere. and the beauty is, He is there with me. He is the trees, the ants, the sunshine and the spider webs. He is everything i understand Him to be and so much more than i could ever know.

im going to start taking pictures again. but this time it might be a little bit different. i also want to redo my room. hm.

sometimes i dont know what i want.
other times i know what i want. and i want it so bad it makes me sick. and i dont think ill ever get it, or that i even should get it. and thats nauseating too.
i wish i was better at taking pictures with a 35mm. i wish they didnt discontinue polaroid. i wish my pictures were in magazines. i wish i cared enough to do something about it.
i wish God told moses at least what general direction to travel in. i wish God would tell me which general direction to go.
i wish i was so humble i could die for you. or Him. or her.
i wish alot of things. and i hate satan, because hes a sly bastard.
i like that angels encamp around those who fear the Lord. lets hope im fearin the Lord enough right now.
man, today sucked. but yesterday sucked worse. or not. im not sure.
i wish i was a dog. raja has it so easy. i wonder if she wishes she was a human sometimes. i hope i see her in heaven. man, i just want some tattoos. Lord knows i cant sleep right now.
i feel like ive been running and going nowhere and ive taken the time to stop tonight, and its very disalamarming whatever that means. im uncomfortable. i want to crawl out of my skin and go somewhere else and do something else and i have no idea what.
its like when you cant decide on a song, so you stop the music, and its so quiet it breaks your heart and you start crying. and you arent menstruating so theres no valid explanation for whats going on.
its one of those days. its so freaking quiet and i hate it so much.

goodnight probably.

2/365

1/365

new things.

so, i started a 365 project. basically, ill make some form of art every day for 365 days. thats all. ive sort of kept up with it.

i finished hosea, and that rocked so hard, sorta. at the very end, He says:
I will heal your sickness,
I will love you freely,
for My anger has turned from you.
I will be your source of water,
and you will bloom like the lily.
you shall take root like the trees,
your roots shall spread out.
your beauty shall be like the olive,
and your fragrance like the cedar trees.
I am like the evergreen cypress,
all fruit comes from Me.

sometimes its hard to trust that the Lord is both merciful and just; that He is holy and perfect. but, His character is consistent regardless of mere human belief or opinion, hallelujah!

shalom, sweet friends!

בעלי

i have been reading hosea. and He has been speaking loud and clear.

basically, today, i read hosea 1 & 2. God tells hosea to go and find a woman who he knows will be unfaithful to him, and marry her. this is supposed to paint a picture of how israel is unfaithful to Himself. for whatever reason, hosea readily complies. this woman's name is gomer. they have some kids, she remains unfaithful, and the Lord restores, per usual. but here's the point.
i am gomer, and He is hosea.
its easy to think of myself as adulterous back in the day whenever i was blatantly turning my back on Him and sprinting the other direction, but its hard to see myself in that light when i am actively pursuing Him. until i think about my sin as it is. i am no better than i was. i am no better than the man on death row. i am no better than anyone that ever existed. anyway.

first, God blocks the paths to her other "lovers" (or idols). He says "she will seek them, but she will not find them". He creates in her a God-shaped hole that cannot be filled by any one or anything else. then, she returns back to Him. He says "she didnt even know that i was the One who gave her all the things she was seeking in the first place." in Gomers case, this was bread, wine, and oil. in my case, this is worth, identity, fulfillment.

second, the Lord removes what He has given her from the beginning and punishes her "for going after her other lovers, and forgetting about Me." i love that He allows Himself to be vulnerable to us.

third, (my favorite) He woo's her! He entices, seduces, allures her. He brings her into the wilderness (used to represent a brighter time in the marriage) and "speaks tenderly" to her. have you ever heard Him speak tenderly to you? it may just be the most beautiful sound youll ever hear.

all this just so that "she answers Me like she did when all was well, and she loved Me." it's not like God didn't know she would remain unfaithful and stray from Him again. He was well-aware. but, its worth it to Him to have her full attention and loyalty and affection just for those few moments or years or however long.

"and in that day, you will call me, 'my Husband'".
i read this and started bawling. it's like He forgets everything she's ever done. He not only forgives, but literally forgets every time ive turned my back on Him. He is only present in the here and now, when i am fully His.
its like in the notebook when the husband reads to his wife who has alzheimers for months on end, just so that she might remember him when the story's over.
to God, those few moments are worth the lifetime of work it took Him to get me where i am. this understanding overcame me.

(on that note, i decided on my first tattoo im getting)

"and I will betroth you forever." this means He will pay the price to call her His own, forever. He says the price He must pay is righteousness, justice, steadfast love, mercy, and faithfulness. do you see? everything she lacks, He has. everything she is not, He is. He makes up for her flaws, and makes her beautiful.

i think the reason this passage speaks to my heart the way it does is because ive (almost) known this kind of love and devotion before. for the past few months, ive been wondering why He allowed me to go through that love & loss in the first place. and now i see it. i heard Him say,

"abby, I can love you better. I can love you more. I can be more. I can replace him."

that blew me away.
the past 3 years of my life made sense all of the sudden.

and to conclude, "AND YOU SHALL KNOW THE LORD."
not only is He my Provider, Protector, Abba, and Savior.
He is my Lover. my Husband.
He makes me heart race. He makes me giddy. He makes me laugh. He makes me smile.
He is my Husband.



...and now you know why im getting that tattoo.

God is good, amen?

some beautiful, wonderful things have been happening lately. i wish i had an automatic typewriter in my head to make a sorry attempt at recording everything He has done and is doing, so i could in turn, share it with you. all of it. but, i cant. so here goes nothing.

Lord, speak over me "winter is passed, the rain is over and gone. the season of joyful song has come. it's just you and Me now, and I am all you need."
i have come out of drought, and it was just by His grace. usually, it can somewhat be accredited to my obedience in following Him that brings me to a place where i feel satisfied and whole in Him. but this time, i did nothing. nothing but simply ask. through my lack of faithfulness, He showed me His grace. His reach is further, still. hallelujah #1.

Lord, if You give me a parking spot today, i will know i can trust You.
i was feeling ballsy when i said this, obviously. but lo & behold, He did it! right after i saw this parking spot right next to the entrance, i just started laughing because i heard Him say "wellp, look whatchya got yourself into now!". and now, i trust the Lord all the more, which also means i will follow Him in all things. it's so great that He didnt have to prove Himself to me, He simply chose to. i am so undeserving.

Lord, make my father more of a father, and more like You.
for the past week, my dad has been calling or texting me every single day, which in and of itself is a miracle. ive seen his heart on numerous occasions, not to mention ive just seen more of him in general. its a beautiful thing.

Lord, Godspeed on these textbooks. get them here by friday if i can trust You!
ballsy, again. sometimes i pray without thinking. ironic. but, He came through anyway! He got them here in time AND gave me the wisdom and knowledge to ace my first exam. thats a miracle.

the list goes on and on...literally.
long story short, He has been keeping me in tune with what He is doing. He has been teaching me to pray without ceasing, in every situation. i have no idea why He has been lavishing these glorious things upon me, but i sure do love it. He is definitely growing my faith and trust just by proving Himself trustworthy, even when He doesnt have to. why? because He is good.

decisions, decisions. or lack thereof.

so, Lord willing, im graduating in december, then from there will be located one of two places:
calcutta, india
nairobi, kenya
this decision involves alot of prayer and a coin toss.



my sweet ray of sunshine told me about this org called YWAM. they seem pretty alright. we might have the same heartbeat, which is living among the poor, not just near them. touching the leper, not just standing at a distance. loving people, not just talking to them.
anyway, they have these things called discipleship training schools. theyre 6 months long and basically teach people in the things of God. cool. and, they have them all over the world.


so, i might end up in a dts in india or africa. either way, im happy. i also might end up in austin, texas. i might be dead.

the other major life decision im debating is.. a monroe piercing. this one is a bigger deal. i hear they are $15 on sunday.



the Lord has been giving me parking spaces every day for the past 3 days. im praying Godspeed over my textbooks right now. and i just want to know Him. weve had some good talks recently.
that is all.

ps, this has been on my mind all day.




penda.

if the netherlands win, ill go to college.

i cant wait until God isnt this idea breathing down my neck, prohibiting me from doing all the things i want to do, and making me do all the things i dont.
i cant wait until He is no longer a slot machine. if i pray the exact combination of words He is looking for, ill be granted my wish.
i cant wait until He is no longer charlie, calling me a few times a month giving me instructions and guidance, while He sips His martini on His hammock on the beach. i cant wait until i hear from Him more often than that.

i cant wait until His grace is enough, His mercies are new every morning, His thoughts for me are more than i can count, He is involved in every step of my life, He is an everpresent help in a time of trouble.
i wonder if He gets excited about the world cup and laughs at my stupid jokes. i wonder what His favorite drink is, if He prefers wine or champagne. i wonder if He even has taste buds. i wonder if He wants me to go to college or not. i wonder if He gives a crap. i wonder if He's mad at me for saying that.
i dont like this non-god i "serve".
i want to want Him, but it hasnt rained in a while and i dont know what to do.
i hope God doesnt play golf or wear plaid shirts.

ive been wikipedia-ing people i think are fascinating. so, im going to write multiple wikipedia articles on my life. what it could or could not be like. as if i have any control over that.

yesterday, i spent 45 seconds thinking about a hole puncher. life is getting pretty out of control. i cant wait to go back to kenya.

i cant wait to see the sunset.

a future and a hope, i hope.

have you ever wondered what im afraid of?
me too.
im afraid of missing it. of missing out on what He has planned for my life.
im afraid ill dream too big, and His plans are too small.
im afraid i wont get what i want, and i will be miserable living in a constant state of dissatisfaction and a longing to be somewhere greater, doing something greater.
im afraid that my heart is not His completely, that i dont trust Him completely, and that i am completely selfish.

i watched born into brothels yesterday night. hm.
basically, this girl goes into the red light district in calcutta, india. here, women are forced into prostitution and force their daughters into prostitution to get money. so, this chick goes in there and basically offers these kids an education (primarily a photography class) and tries to get them into boarding schools to get out of the brothels. turns out, almost all the kids either decline or drop out of the school that they got accepted to.
you know what i learned through this documentary? nothing, literally, nothing is apart from Christ. nothing worthy exists, humans are able to accomplish nothing, become nothing, feel nothing, see nothing. it is all His eyes and His heart and His purpose and the fact that He cared at all.
that being said, i am nothing apart from Christ. i am able to accomplish nothing. i am not the savior. i am not the one that changes people and gives them new life. i provide no hope, no freedom, no life. i myself, am in desperate need of saving.
ergo, i have no life apart from what He offers me.
but, i hope to God that He offers me what i want. which is to be poor, to be homeless, to not be a visitor, but to become one who has nothing. just for the sake of having nothing and gaining everything. for the sake of unity, and understanding. i hope to move to calcutta, to kibera. i hope to live there and be accepted or rejected. but i hope to bring Love, to find Love, to become the manifestation of Love wherever i am.
i sure hope thats what He has in store for me. instead of these white picket fences and marriage and children and houses with porches and chairs and colleges with doors that are entirely too large. i dont want that. and i hope He doesnt either.
but either way, im supposed to be completely content right? right.
i dont really get it.
but, i wont worry about tomorrow. today has enough evil of its own.

quia amasti me, fecisti me amabilem.

ive recently been reading my sweet friend's book. its called the furious longing of God. its pretty great, really.

"come now, My love.
My lovely one, come.

for you, the winter has passed,
the snows are over and gone,
the flowers appear in the land,
the season of joyful songs has come.

the cooing of the turtledove is
heard in our land.

come now, My love.
My lovely one, come."
Song 2:10-14

i love the way He calls us, in a way we can understand.

"i am My Beloveds. His desire is for me."

i love that He is so gentle.

"therefore, let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need."

i love that He beckons me to come to Him boldly. He wants me to scream at Him, beg Him, just be honest with Him. i love that about Him. that terrifies me about Him.

i love that love is His identity.


i dont want to put His will, or my desires before Him. even if that includes my desires to go back to Kibera. i want to always always always remember my first Love. i want to remember that He loved me first, that He laid down everything, while i was still a sinner. i want all these things. and i dont know what i want. but i couldnt care less. thats not true. i want everything to be simple.

be still, and know that I am God.
cease striving, and know that I am Love.
quit going, and know that I am patient.
be quiet, and know that I am your Abba.

i want to do that today, too.

Abba, i belong to You.

this is a peculiar journey i am on right now.

completely irrelevant.

so, today has been really odd. i just got back from kenya a few days ago. ive been all out of sorts. i think i left my heart in kibera. i hardly care about anything, and i have a very loose grip on reality.

some things i know are:
i lost an iPod and fourty dollars.
i have two new bracelets.
my life will be more expensive with this new international calling nonsense.

i want to be able to say, nothing else compares to the greatness of knowing You. not even what You have called me to, not even the people of africa, not even Your will. isnt that an odd predicament to be in? i dont know exactly how to distinguish between Him and His will. i want to know this warmly personal and deeply affectionate God more and more. i want to want that, atleast.
im going to oklahoma tomorrow because i dont want to be here and i dont know why. i think that offends alot of people.
i havent been engaging in life recently, and i dont plan to start anytime soon.
im going to work out more.

goodnight.

day three: ...

before:
Lord, do a miracle and open my mouth. remove that spirit of fear. give me words to say and eyes to see.
1 john 2:14- i write to you, abby, because you are strong. the Word of God abides in you, you have overcome the evil one.
1 john 3:2- but we know that when He appears, we shall be like Him, because we shall finally see Him as He is.
hallelujah.


during: we went to the tap tap, which is like a little chicken bus.


we drove through the city, and ended up in this tent community. i was pretty shocked. it was literally hundreds and hundreds of tents made of sheets and sticks.

at first, i had no idea what to do or say. all i noticed was most of the adults were curious and hesitant, and the children were curious and eager. the kids smiled everytime we made eye contact. its like every glance and every touch was full of meaning. they would just walk up to you and hold your hand and look up and grin. it was amazing. we broke into groups and decided to pray for people as we felt led. the first woman we prayed for was an overweight woman who was with her grandson. the asked for healing of her back, because it had been hurting her for a while. she asked for safety of her family and things of that nature. after that, it became sort of a blur. all the people we prayed for were women that asked for safety, and provision for their families. they were all hesitant to be honest about things. although, one women did say that her toothache was healed after we prayed over her. that was cool.
anyway, one of the kids spotted my camera, and it turned into chaos. i taught several of them how to use it, and they were so crazy stoked.

the rest of my team spent time with this older lady, listening to her stories and praying over her. and i was surrounded by little kids begging for a 'kodak'. but there are no names or stories to match the photos, and that breaks my heart. partially, due to the fact that the translators were doing something else.
we ate lunch at the church across the street(peanut butter jelly).
we went back to the village, and quite honestly i didnt feel Gods hand on any of it. we did a village wide worship service that afternoon, but, for me atleast, God didnt show up in it. earlier in the morning, God spoke to the team through visions and scripture, and told us to do this worship service in the morning. we didnt obey and i couldnt tell you why. it just slipped our mind i guess. but anyway, obeying late isnt obeying at all.
ben played his drum, and people danced and sang and read scripture and things of that nature.
one guy got really offended that i took his picture, even though i wasnt aware i did. i deleted it, and he and his friends kept making fun of me. that kind of ruined my day.
we rode home via tap tap, and i sat next to mike, a guy from boston or something. he told me, "He is gonna do something amazing through you. He has great plans for you." that was encouraging, but i still felt the weight of doubt.
we got back, and i played soccer with a Ramses, and a few other translators. they are basically the bomb. i felt a little more comfortable and at home after that.
we cam inside, and i asked paige to pray over me. she ended up speaking alot of much needed Truth too. she reminded me i can be honest with God, because He and His omniscient self already knows my heart and mind. if i dont feel like worshipping, dont. if its meaningless to me, chances are its meaningless to Him. she interceded on my behalf, which was a relief. since then, ive felt God lightening the load a little bit, knowing that He is still working through me and around me, regardless. that was definitely a spiritual attack, and paige said that may affirm His calling on my life as a missionary because that means im a threat to satans kingdom.
God, lay Your spirit of Truth and peace on me. give me whatever you gave paige. let me have that desire for You and Your will. draw me back home, please. i hate this place. please.


after:
man, today was hard. it was as if i was trying to worship a God i didnt really know. everything felt so simulated. i didnt feel like doing any of it. it was just dry. i got sick of being here. i just wanted to be home. anyway, the goal for today was build meaningful relationships. paiged talked for a while and what she said was great, but i didnt write it down, so i forgot it all.

day two- part two: finally getting to haiti (or, holy crap guys..)

[on the way from the airport to the compound at which we resided]
haiti looked exactly like it looked in pictures and on the news. the second we landed and got to baggage, guys were asking to carry our stuff. a short, animated guy named marcio greeted us and told us, "dont let anyone touch your bags!" he was bossy and hasty.

the streets were absolute chaos. from the second the plane landed, you could tell that this country operated with zero order. this was made really evident in the way people drove. basically, they had no laws, stop lights, stop signs, road signals, speed limits, anything. and the fastest any of us went was like 40 mph. it took forever to get anywhere and there was alot of dust and gas and honking.

all of the people just sat on the side of the road. one thing i noticed immediately was no one was doing anything. they were just sitting there. there was graffiti everywhere, and dogs ate the trash. people took pleasure in kicking them and beating them. no one gave them food. and they were all skiddish all the time. that hit me really hard the first day, especially in light of recent traumatic adventures. some kind of pains are heavy, like trying to comprehend starvation and desperation and poverty. but some pains are sharp, like seeing a starving dog being beaten, totally helpless.
anyway, he told us his story. basically, ran away at 15, went nuts, was introduced to Jesus, became a wanderer that followed Him. he was in haiti when the earthquake hit, and has been here for a while now. hes been a Christian for 9 months. God sure does work in His own time, huh?

getting to the compound/place of residence:




we stayed in pastor christians house. the girls slept on the roof in tents, and the guys slept outside in tents. there were mango tents all over the place, and it was a danger to just chill outside because those things hit hard. but they were delicious. seriously. we had electricity and water sometimes, but no a/c or anything.
anyway, im hot and humid and surrounded by concrete walls. a chick named paige led our 3 person orientation. she just explained how nothing was planned, time isnt valuable, and spending time with the haitians was key. she told us that revival was stirring before and after the earthquake.
[some useful background info: haiti was the satanic capitol of the world. they made a pact with satan that went like this, if he freed them from french rule, they would serve him. and so, this nation has been reigned by satans kingdom for years and years. 750 pastors got together and prayed that God would do whatever it took to "shake the nation", and then the earthquake happened. since then, and before then, even, God has been in the process of taking His nation and His people back. revival really is stirring, people are getting saved by the thousands, churches dont know what to do with all the new believers, worship services are the bomb, stuff like that. instead of partying for marti gras, there was a nation wide 3-day fast & pray sesh. awesome?!]

then, the team got back. this is about the time i realized how antisocial i really am. it was so excrutiating meeting all these people and putting on a show.
[ie, nice to meet you. thats a lie, no matter what. because when you meet someone, there is no way to know whether you are going to be glad or not so glad you met them. so, its impossible to know ahead of time just how 'nice' it would have been to meet them.]
there is a reason God put us all together, but it wasnt something i am interested in participating in right now. i feel like i have a hermit abby and an outgoing abby. ive been shy today, and my mom has to introduce me as her daughter, because im 12 years old and cant introduce myself. awesome!
its hard to praise God for who He is. He just isnt in my face. theres so much going on, its hard to see Him kinda. thats not accurate. its just hard to describe.
Lord, please break down my walls that make me antisocial. i need You to help me relate and become bold like Jesus. theres something about this that makes You hard to find. i know You are here, working. so please, change my heart. make my life about You alone. let me praise You for what You have done and are doing. please, open my lips to bring You glory. change my heart to love impartially. Lord, use me as You will. make me a willing vessel. on my own, i am incapable of being friendly and real. i cant evangelize and build new relationships. i cant bring people to You. please, use me anyway. make me willing. open my mouth to speak and bring You glory. Lord, i can do all things through Christ. You havent given me a spirit of timidity, but of peace and courage. im gonna need alot of that this week. i need You to be an everpresent help in time of trouble. this is draining. Holy Spirit, intercede.

day two-part one: on the way again, (or, my soul lives in the clouds)

[on the plane on the way to san juan]
there is a mountain range of clouds in the sky. we are flying over the ocean. its really fascinating. its just like these masses in the sky, they look completely still because we are moving so fast. half the people on the plane are asleep, that blows my mind. its like we have occupied the earth so long we cant appreciate the beauty in the "little things" (ie the enormous things like clouds) ive always wondered if the angels lived in the clouds. like real, fire breathing, demon conquering angels. what if there was Holy war that took place in these heavenly bodies of mass? what if clouds in the sky were really battle grounds? also, ive always wondered if, on my way to heaven, i could take a break and spend a day in the clouds.

im begging for the day my soul breaks free from this body and finds its way homes. somewhere beyond these clouds.

regarding my new friend who is also going to haiti also:
she graduated from A&M last year, majoring in business and communication. she says evangelizing isnt her strongsuit and she emails Aaron Ivey every now and then. she talks to her mom alot, one time her moms plane got struck by lightning. she hates not being in open spaces or not being able to see outside. shes good at meeting strangers. she looks more like an amanda, which doesnt narrow anything down. she has trouble sleeping any other time than at night. i wonder what God has done/is doing/will do in her life. on that note, earlier today, she said "a plane thats actually on time, what a miracle!" amen sister, it truly is. you know what else will be a miracle? if our luggage ever finds its way to haiti.



praise You! who knows Your plans, Your mind? not us, not even the angels. You are a mystery. You will do and have done great things.

[in the San Juan airport]
something about what im about to do really bothers me. its so american. "okay, im here now! everyone can relax now!" just the whole idea is off. honestly, the state that Haiti is in will be exactly the same is it was before i came. im feeling kinda useless, kinda selfish. if you cant tell. i saw a guy with a beard in a dashiki with a huge headwrap sitting in the airport waiting to go to Haiti too. in my mind, his name was elijah. he is a missionary not affiliated with any big NGO or nonprofit. he just goes and does and follows Him, loving along the way. a really beautiful african looking woman sat down next to him. so they go together. but, what ive realized is no matter where you go, you cant fly without a boarding pass. there will always be obligations, money, schedules. you cant just be. you cant just exist. im considering spending the rest of my life finding that place. finding the place where i can live; finding my home. this is my prayer:
Lord, wherever i go, let this be said "her feet carried the gospel. they carried peace." ill always be a wanderer, a vegabond. but i will always be at home with You. Lord, open my eyes to speak, give me some nerves (balls). through these feet, bring the gospel, bring peace. only You are capable of doing this Lord. come here. guide me, use me, my words are Yours. i am Yours. i love You. You are my home.

things that made me smile today:
the search dog in the airport, elijah, the haitian woman, the lady that smiled as big as emily ward.

birds are really fish swimming in the sky.

no matter where you are, that is where you are.

day one: in transit via aeroplane (or, be careful what you pray for)

[preface: these thoughts are very obscure, irrelevant, and random. bear with me if you want to. either way, doesnt matter]

i want to see God like those two girls do. i want to love Him so evidently. i am jealous of that. is that a sin? i want to see His heart, His feet, His face. not just His works and His faithfulness. i am tired of just seeing the effects of Him and His character, i want to see HIM. its like trying to see the wind. if there wasnt anything for the wind to move, it wouldnt be visible. basically nonexistent. i want Him to be so real to me He is almost tangible. maybe Haiti will help. maybe ill meet a whole new side of Him there. [be careful what you pray for]


i decided that maybe God has someone for me and maybe i should wait it out for him. meeting that one guy at that one coffee shop has made me think there is someone compatible somewhere in the world, and he might just be worth waiting for. he will be my home. im falling in love with him in this airport in dallas. how weird.

Lord, use me. shape me. mold me. break me. shape me. change me. i am Yours. i surrender. thank You, praise You, for you are working in her. Lord, strengthen my faith, build me into who You want me to be. God, i have no earthly idea what to expect. i dont know what Youre doing or what Youll have me do. i know Youve been preparing me and i pray You continue doing that. i am clay in Your hands. my heart will be sensitive to Your touch, and it will break along with Yours. all i ask is, never leave me. be there to give me strength, words, peace. endure me. sustain me. You are all i need. i want to see a new side of You. open my eyes. i pray that Your will is done perfectly this week. hear my cries. please, let me dwell in Your house and gaze upon Your beauty all day long for the next week. God, make Yourself manifest!

being a woman of God
proverbs 31: dresses herself with strength, opens her hand to the poor, reaches out to the needy. strength and dignity are her clothing. laughs at the time to come. speaks wisdom, teaches kindness, fears the Lord.

1 peter 3: but let your adorning be the hidden person of your heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in Gods sight is very precious.

Lord, give me a strong, wise, kind, fearful, gentle, quiet spirit that You think is beautiful. prepare for me a husband thats worth submitting to.



so, the logistics of the travel situation are as follows:
we got stuck in the miami airport because our flight was delayed. i didnt get flustered because i promised Him i would trust Him. He really graced me with the knowledge that He is in control, so i was pretty good to go. except for the fact that that airport sucked so much! everything was metal and covered in sand and humid air and gross things like that. but, whatever. and i met shelby, she was cool. we talked for a while. my mom, shelby, and i all slept in a hotel in the airport until the next morning.

the weirder things in life.

growing up. its so weird.
i think id rather not.

that is all.

and you know, i'm not resentful. im really not. people do what they need to do to take care of themselves, right? right. i mean he did what i asked him to do, and so in a twisted ingenuine way im happy. but either way its irrelevant.
all i know is that He is alleviating the pain and filling the holes.
and i am not afraid, because He reminded me this morning that He is with me. (isaiah 41:10)
i also realized that i care alot about the things i care about, which tend to be far and few between. obscure things like old alchoholic homeless men and photos and my dog. i care about these things so much i forget to shower and eat. i havent decided if this is healthy or not, and i havent even decided if i care about that.

you know what i want? i want to sit down and go over everything with him. tell him everything i miss and everything i hated and everything i loved and how its so different.
you know what i need? to pee and go to sleep.

joy.

i got a nose ring and found my bible.
it tickles and bleeds sometimes.
but heres the thing, God is good.
and he takes away my desires that i dont want.
He is good because He just is. and He does good things because He is good.
i love Him, and that is all.

and i am going to haiti in t-3 weeks. im super excited, i want Him to break me and teach me to love with abandon.

things i've come to realize.

here are the do's and dont's of dating as far as i am concerned:
1. do NOT date.
2. DO not date.

im having to come to terms with the fact that maybe no one will make me as happy as he did. that my feelings werent artificial, but substantial. that the smiles were real. ive noticed something odd, that i dont even look the same anymore.
even my appearance is affected by the overwhelming heaviness, and now i dont have anyone to make it lighter and make me smile, really smile.
seeing as i havent been alone once in the past three years, i think this is something i will be struggling with for quite some time.
here's the upside: my joy comes from the Lord. i pray so fervently that this emptiness and this loneliness will leave a void only He can fill, and i pray that He gracefully and faithfully chooses to do so. that really is the only way i can make it through this time in my life. i dont want another person, i dont want someone i cant depend on for forever. i want my God to fill these holes and make me whole again. i want Him to put the smile on my face, i want Him to make me beautiful and share my burdens.

its just a matter of allowing Him to do that, right? i guess so. i sure pray so. i know He is capable, but is He willing? i believe so.

my God loves me so endlessly and ferociously. He is my lover.
this is the truth i will choose to dwell on.

the ocean.

im only writing this because cara is making me. well, shes asking me to. i dont have very much to say. actually, i have so many things to say.
starting with the series of events that occured with laura today. that sure was eventful. when i get things sorted in my head, i promise to tell you.
all i know is this: to me, God is a wave. a massive, overwhelming wave that completely engulfs and consumes me. there is nothing i can do to resist going in whichever direction He chooses to take me. well, yes there is. but i don't want to. i'm tired of resisting. i want to go with it.
yeesh, there's so much to say.

today has been different.
my mom started watching football, and thats always weird.